So, i was privy to a situation between a husband and wife at the j-o-b today (which admittedly is foreign to me given my "single" status). Don't ask why "single" is in quotations, lol.
background: work is killer right now. my unit has some huge projects under-way. very stressful, but potentially fruitful and definitely exciting projects. we will be working late nights (8-10pm in office) and early mornings (6-7 am start times) for probably the next week or so.
characters: self. you all know me, so i won't get into heavy character descriptions here. young (recent college grad) staff assistant (SA) and her NEW, younger husband (SAH). SA & SAH are african-american, pretty devout Christians and fairly conservative in general. SA is ivy-educated, YES she is attractive (for the male readers) and generally speaking, a well-rounded girl. Within the confines of our office and unit, she rarely has an issue sharing her opinions and makes very good decisions.
setting: office. approaching 8 o'clock hour.
SAH calls (not the first time since i've been over-seeing final pieces of tonight's project). He's downstairs, waiting on wifey to buzz him up. i come down to let him in so SA can keep working. of course, he is disappointed to see not his lovely wife, but my slave-driving ass come down to greet him with a marginally warm "hello." (sorry folks, it's the best i can do on 4 hours sleep, deadlines and with someone else's man). ok, so he's peeved, i would be too.
we make small talk on the ride up to the top floor. (ok, i have to interject some judgmental, albeit descriptive things i noticed.) 1. he didn't wait for me to exit the elevator first, he got off and waited for me to let him past our secure office door. 2. he then walked through the door in front of me and proceeded to SA's office. So, yea, fail on chivalry. he comes into the office, i step out so they can have a moment to greet one another/small talk. shortly after i return to the office, SAH makes a point to say (i think more for me than for her), "hun, b/c you have to be back by 6am, i need you to be done, ready to go, by 9."
OF COURSE the kid peeped this something strong. ok. imma let that pass. my brain interpreted this comment 2 ways simultaneously: 1. he is concerned for her well-being and wants her to get a good night's rest and have some balance between work and personal life. 2. he is controlling and concerned about getting home and watching the T.O. show.
so SA and I are grinding it out. as time wears on, i watch him monitor the time and give "gentle" reminders. as 9 swiftly approaches, he begins to huff and puff, tap his foot and make far less "gentle" reminders such as, "babe, you know i love you, but you've got to make some decisions." Now again ya'll know me, so you can only imagine what I am thinking. Okay, in case you're wondering, it went a little something like this, "she has decided to get this work done so we don't loose our damn jobs."
9:02 p.m., SAH: "babe, i really love you and you know this, but you need to decide what makes a happy home." Ok. So at this point, i'm like, "this is real not cute for ANY of us." combined with, "oh no he didn't." and "oh wait, yes he did and i kinda respect it." and don't forget, "nigga, she is keeping home happy by making this money to support your ass!"
SA promptly turns to me and says, "um, boogie, i can't stay. i really have to get home. i can finish this in the morning when we get back." (note, she doesn't provide one of the more professional responses including, but not limited to: "i can get it to you later tonight", or "by 11 and i will email it" OR "oh, hun, i need to stay 20 minutes and finish a critical piece to ensure completion by 8 am tomorrow"). SA then quickly turns off laptop and packs it up before i can ask where she stands on completing the task.
My response was no where near, "girl, i know, it's late, we need to get out of here. rather, it went a like, "oh, well, where do we stand? in reviewing the pages you just gave me, we have some corrections to make before print tomorrow AM." i proceed to point them out to her, at the same time pointing out she needs to email me her latest draft so that I can continue working...TO GET THE JOB DONE.
now, i MUST acknowledge my single, heterosexual, liberal, feminist, independent,task/goal-oriented nature/persona. however, something about this entire situation rubbed me the WRONG FUCKING WAY! at the same time, i MUST acknowledge my single, never-married, no-children, young, task/goal-oriented status which limits my perspective on "what makes a happy home" between man and woman.
so, i need some feedback on what i witnessed. was this "typical?" (right, whatever THAT is...) did she abandon her job duties? would men expect their woman to leave work behind and come home to "make a happy home?" would women out there leave work (under a partner's command/request) to "make a happy home?" what makes a happy home? clear, shared expectations? demands? semi-reasonable requests on occasion?
again, i understand there are dynamics in play which i may not understand b/c i am have never been and am not currently married.
brothers, speak to me.
i know my ladies are gonna chime in.
The Closet House
3 years ago
10 comments:
So I'm going to comment now and probably a couple more times before the thread is done. Mostly I have questions...
1. Do men read our blog? If so please comment and engage in the conversations?
1a. Do young married women read it? We can use some varied perspectives.
2. Why did this conversation occur in the office in front of a supervisor? Regardless of whether she needs to make a choice between work and home, it should never occur at work in from of a supervisor. Period. He should have sat there silently (in the car IMHO) and had the discussion with her when they got home.
3. Why is single in quotation marks?
4. What does SAH do and what does he need at home to make a happy home? I ask because if there is something to be done at home - cooking, housework, childcare - he should have his happy ass at home doing it and come get her when she is done with work. If he just needs her around to be "happy" then he needs to get a hobby, at least for the next week.
4. Can he financially support this "happy home" ALONE? or does he just have some idea that she will work a 9-5 and then come home and keep house and him happy? Me thinks he has job and not a career. I can't say whether she should be at home or working but that is a decision for the couple to make at home and (before they get married) not at work in the middle of a major project.
Now I will give my perpetually single (note the lack of quotation marks) answer to your questions. Yes, she caved under pressure from her husband at the expense of her job. Their vows are supposed to be permanent and I'm just guessing that her work contract is not so if they need the money or she just wants to work there it was a bad move. I don't think I would leave work but I also don't think I would have this discussion with my partner AT work. Did you think that maybe she had him come to act a fool so she could leave? (Just a thought because "happy home" sounds so lame.) And about "happy home" - it just sounds like "I need you to tuck me in." It wasn't like he showed concern for her getting rest. I think shared expectations and goals do make a happy home and that only occurs with communication. They should have had this conversation at another time. I don't think there is anything wrong with choosing to make a "happy home" over a career if that is what both parties want and the reasons behind it aren't related to one partner's insecurities. I just don't think it should happen on the job.
I don't think I will even comment at 1 am. I was born anti but in the wee morning hours I am even MORE anti.
You all can guess how I feel anyway.
That said, we don't know any background on the situation. So we could keep that in mind. Could.
We could also keep in mind that economic control is a prime (and underexposed) DV tactic.
I will say I was DEAD at "but you need to decide what makes a happy home."
You want a happy home? I hope you have dinner, a foot massage, and some chocolate tasting dessert waiting for me at the crib. While I make this money. For both of us. While you embarrass me in front of my co-worker. For both of us.
Follow your instincts boogie.
And I'm wishing your co-worker the safest and the best.
Oh--but kudos for your response! YOUR job is on the line too and if she wants to play cater-to-daddy with her hubby fine but you are still responsible for work that gets done.
Way to make that a clear and firm statement without throwing the hissy fit that you know you wanted to (wink--and i feel u on it).
Salud.
ok, so b/c homeboy came over during final edits of the original posts i added some detail to the character description. i didn't think it would matter whether or not she was "cute," but OBVIOUSLY it does. (male mind).
Out of line. From him even coming up to the office, to the things that he said, to her leaving without finishing her work, completely out of line. Pre-kids I pulled some late nights, 1-2am and it was NEVER questioned. I was working and bringing home money, that helped make our "happy home".
My husband wouldn't dare pull that crap with me especially in front of my co-workers, just like I wouldn't do it to him. For us it's a matter of respecting one another and realizing that although we're married and therefore a team, we are both still adults who have our own personal goals to achieve and work to get done, whatever that may be.
The only reason you would find me even thinking about trying to get home before a project is completely done is b/c of my kids and even then I would either a.) realize that my husband is home with them and they're fine or b.) take work home with me.
I commented on FB, but I'm copying it here, since I didn't fully look around and see that there was a place to comment here...
Um... so... yeah... My first thought is: "dude needs to STFU and let her work. It's not like this is an every day occurrence and she chooses to work late rather than come home. What makes a happy home is mutual respect & understanding." My second thought is that she doesn't want to work the late hours and put him up to it. Which would be ... Read Morebrilliant. I disagree with the thought that he's concerned about her work/life balance because he didn't say "you need to take care of yourself," he said "make a happy home" which translates to "keep me happy." Now, I don't know either of them, and I don't know what he does, but I'm going to go with my first thought. Yes, I'm married. Yes, I've worked late hours. Yes, my wife has worked late hours. Neither of us has pulled this kind of BS. /rant
I don't want to use the word "clearly" but I would not be surprised if what you witnessed was the calmer albeit just as foolish end of a previous and ongoing conversation that SA and SAH have been having... especially if this working late trend has been going on for awhile...
here are my thoughts:
1. I cannot for the life of me figure out why he was inside the office the whole time. was he doing work as well? reading? does he have a laptop or nintendo DS to keep him occupied. I just can't imagine (even in my less than healthy relationships) that my partner would be hovering in my professional space. That in and of itself is mind-blowing... and should not occur
2. I have been on the SAH-side of a partner working late and being otherwise occupied when i wish he would have been more available... but um... guess what... we ALL have... that is life and not every moment can be an "US" moment. During the wedding vows there was no guarantee that the work day ends at 5. I don't know if SAH had been watching too much Nick-at-Night but money is tight an folks need to be working to keep their jobs and also to be successful at those jobs in order to prepare a path for upward mobility when it become feasible for employers to start giving raises. Guess who gets passed over at work... people whose home drama follows them into the office.
3. I am disgusted... DISGUSTED.. that he used the term "happy home" when what he actually meant was "Happy ME" I kinda wanna choke this dude...really. What makes a happy home is a mutually respectful environment where both parties strive to be and do their best for themselves and each other, and along with that can learn to be unselfish and considerate of each others needs. Now I KNOW thats a tall order, but its something that has to be worked towards...daily. What makes a happy home is HAPPY PEOPLE, not people being subjected to guilt and condescension. Just because he heard Dr. Phill say "happy home" once doesn't mean he gets to mind-eff with her at work.
4.Boogie, you are a good one because I very likely would have asked him to leave...professionally... or moved him to a conference room. She is a grown woman AT WORK and if she doesn't know how to set up boundaries at the work place... I DO. and as a supervisor who is ultimately responsible for the completion of this project you had every right to go professional ape-shit on him...but you didn't... and i respect that...my passive-aggressive ass would been like "You know, we are almost done for the night, and we have a few more corrections to tighten up, so if you wanna wait down stairs, she'll be right down. or you can hang out here but we have to get this part finished Id say another 20 minutes or so." and then I would have fake smiled at him. INAPPROPRIATE.
5.I hate to bring up the age thing, but i can't help but wonder if that plays a role in it. I mean since he's younger, is he trying to "act the man" because he isn't sure what "being the man" really means... that its not about control but about self-respect and love... i wonder
6. why IS single in quotes...lol
i love this blog...
Though I'm single- meaning unmarried, I'd like to think that I'm constantly working on compromise, understanding and support- all of the things that make a happy home for when I DO get married... that said...
1. (as the devil's advocate) Maybe they made an agreement in their marriage to block out everything else and spend time together after a certain time of night. I know many couples that have made a pact to turn off cell phones after 9pm so they can have 'couple' time....BUT.....
2. If his intention was to spend some QT with his wife, that's cute. However, shouldn't the ultimate goal of a partnership, a union, be supporting each other to succeed in everything that he/she does? So if he felt the need to have this QT at her JOB, why not help her do what she needs to do so she can prosper! He would have gotten cool points from me if he said..."babe, it's 9pm, what can I help you guys do so this work can get done and you can come home to me?" Yeah, couple time is great, maybe even necessary, but at some point, you have to bend the rules. maybe not all the time...but when it comes down to your JOB, and a BIG project that doesn't occur all the time.... when other people are DEPENDING on you....sacrifice now, for the benefit of the marriage/personal success/finances/white picket fence later. It's one thing if working late is an ongoing thing, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.
Bottom line, if he really felt the need to be near his wife (which I'm hoping that's ALL he wanted, b/c he is sounding a BIT controlling) there's many other ways he could have done it.
Since he felt the need to come to her JOB, he could have brought her dinner, so they could eat together- and brought you dinner too, so he could score some points with you. He could have offered to help finish the work so you could ALL go home. Having a man say that he wants you home is sexy. Having a man support you in what you're doing and being genuine about offering to help- not for his personal happiness, but for yours-getting you to a higher level is even sexier and that, for me creates a happy home....
Oooh wee, I love this post. I love all the comments and good conversation.
Here's my thought, not from a single perspective, but from a professional perspective.
1. Most companies are closed organizations. No one who doesn't work there should be in the office. Period. He's out of pocket, she's out of pocket and as the supervisor I would have had a side conversation to tell her he eiher had to leave or quarantine himself in a conference room or something to get the fugg outta my face.
2. Domestic disputes in the workplace, no matter how mild are un-ac-cep-ta-ble.
3. The day that job descriptions differentiate between singled, married or having kids is the day that I will expect more or less from a married person or a person with kids. My job description is account supervisor (AS). There is a lengthy description of what I'm responsible for. It's what I'm evaluated on and what my promotions are based on. It's not AS who stays to get the job done when she's single, AS who leaves at 5:30 when she's married and AS who leaves projects unfinished b/c she has kids. It's just AS and the demands are the same.
If your home life is such that you can't do your job, then you need to quit. I don't understand why people don't get this.
4. Boogie, you are a slave driver. I ain't mad at it or anything, I'm just re-stating the facts. LOL!
ok, single is in quotation marks b/c a friend, who occasionally reads this blog, claims that i don't fit the definition of single. i have options, some of which i use from time to time. ehh. whatever. i, however, view myself as VERY single b/c i am not in a relationship. so, yea, that was for my SINGLE friend.
...don't read more into it,lol.
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