The France Post

Kismet here. Checking into the Common Room from Aix-en-Provence, France. Because she needs some help. Ladies, let's discuss:

1. Black women (and by black, from now on, I mean African and Caribbean primarily because there aren't that many African-Americans here that I've met) and weave. Not braids or relaxers even. Just straight up Yaki. And me with my 'fro (which is definitely a 'fro since I need a serious trim and the curls are like yowza!) I get the funny look from white and black alike.
   
2. How the French LOVE them some Jason Mraz. He is everywhere--talk shows, late night shows, all over M6 the music channel. Really? And he can't speak a lick of French. Too adorable.
3. The power of the Euro over the $. Damn on you AIG et. al. Damn, damn, damn.
4. The power of the baguette. Daily (yes, daily). Damn on you boulangerie. Damn, damn, damn.
5. Why I get followed in stores until I say something in my AmeriFrench and then they are all smiles: Vous êtes, americaine! Ah, c'est bon! Here buy these boots! Promotion (sale)! Oh global racial hierarchies!
6. How I, the digital girl, has no internet at home.
   
7. How much I miss black men!
8. And on #7 note, international mating rituals. This should be a full post but the digital girl is living in an analog world. Short summary: Why did you call me eight times in one night? You met me three days ago and all I wanted was a language exchange. Dude.
9. Back to #7, internatinal mating rituals. Black men and white women? Everywhere. White men and black women? Not nearly as common. But I do a little dance inside everytime I see one.
   
10. Back to #8 and #9 but maybe not #7: There is an extremely attractive Asian guy who works at the archive. That is all.
11. Big in the fashion world here: Converse, gypsy pants, scarves, extensions (black and white), boots, very expensive face and body products. Sephora does not carry Carol's Daughter. H&M is more expensive here than the U.S. Blonds. Skinny jeans.
12. Big in the culture world here: Cezanne. He is Aix-en-Provence's big claim to fame I guess.
    
13. Big in the social world here: Strikes. All the time. Everywhere. Apparently big things happening on the university front though. I will try to read up on it and report back. Race is also huge and black pundits LOVE to use the U.S. as an example of how things should be/have progressed/Obama/Halle Berry/Denzel/Affirmative Action, etc. I find this amusing for all the obvious reasons.
14. Big in my world: Reading French faster and faster, can finally understand what is spoken on TV (even if I can't always translate it fully) and getting comfortable doing the 9-5 archive stint.

Start wherever you want. I need some amusement today.

Forgiveness...

I recently had brunch with a friend who is a director of some sort at the UN. She focuses on developing international conferences that address HIV and AIDS in "third world" communities.

While we waited for the typical overly entitled NY waiter to refill our coffee mugs we began to discuss civil disputes, ethnic wars, and genocides in Africa. Our conversation was centered around three specific historical crisis: The Congo, The Rwandan genocide, and the ongoing crisis in Darfur.

Our conversation began first with the discussion of the disparity and gravity of the stories we had read about and heard re-told. After lamenting over the severity and complexity of these crisis, we began to speak about the stories we've heard where victims of horrible crimes were able to forgive their oppressers.

The stories about the victim who came face to face with the "monster" who raped them and their whole family.... BUT was still able to forgive...

The stories about the victim who met the soldier who killed her mother, her father and her children before her eyes.... BUT was still able to forgive...

The stories about the victim who interacted with the tyrant who killed his best friend, set fire to his village, and left him to seek refuge in a foreign community... BUT was still able to forgive...


I understand how its different...

I understand all of the reasons why we often don't forgive each other...

But when I think about how people across the world can find the ability, the compassion, and the LOVE to forgive someone who has done something that one could argue is unforgivable....

It makes me think that every once in a while... maybe I should re-evaluate my relationships...
my own grudges....
my own frustrations....
And figure out a way to forgive...

If someone can find a way to forgive someone who has tried to rip away everything they hold dear... I too should be able to forgive all the petty and simple things... the things that don't speak to my daily pursuit of happiness.

So... As I challenge myself to evaluate the situations I haven't let go of... the people who I refuse to forgive, the grudges I refuse to let go of... both small and big.... I would also like to challenge all of you to evaluate your relationships and ask yourself...

Is it truly impossible to forgive?

Or is it time for us all to take a moment...

And search for the ability to move forward and move on with compassion and love....

Much Love,

B.Lily

i don't want to be pursued.

so, i had this epiphany the other night after a date with a really nice guy. (so, so sad, i know). the feeling started after i met two (seemingly nice) men (at a club, dammit) last friday evening. BOTH of them called the next afternoon to request my presence for that or the following evening. my FIRST reaction? not excitement or anticipation over the possibilities or nervousness about a date. rather, i was bothered. before you ask/wonder, both were pleasant, easy to talk to and acted in a gentlemanly manner on the phone. the reality is...

...i simply don't like being pursued. i haven't completely figured out why. i think it's because it can be with clouded or false intentions, b/c most guys suck at it and also b/c i am not trying to be nobody's full-time boo. however, i don't think any of these is enough to fully explain the level of agitation i feel when pursued by men. and it's not just these to two men; in reflection, i would say i am generally uncomfortable with being pursued.

i dunno, it is just weird for a guy to be "pressed" about getting to know you. if you JUST met me why are you trying to occupy so much of my time between dates, calls, texts and THEN you ask me for my email? DUUUUDE, back off. i need you NOT to have all my contact info. so, so sorry i let you pick me up for the first date. now you know where i live! ugh... i'd much rather the relationship develop organically and we see what happens. coming at me with the seeming intention of 1)laying my ass 2)booing me up in the somewhat immediate future is uncomfortable.

so those of you who don't know me are probably, at this point, asking yourselves, daaaammnnn...what happened to this chic as a child?! nothing, lol. but i would like some analysis, feedback and outside perspective.


oh, and PLEASE know, this shit right here don't help!

"F&ck what ya' heard!"

so yea, it's '09 and i'm about to dispel/bring you up to date on a couple of items...

1. niggas ain't shit! (well, we have known this since we were, what? 8, 9, 12 yrs old?) well, females ain't either. which leads me into #2...

2. honesty is overrated...that shit don't get you NO MOTHERFUCKING WHERE! "Lie to me dammit, lie to me!" (Chris Rock, anyone?) he hit the nail on the head; people WANT to be lied to. (except me, lol). :)seriously, i don't, which leads me to...

3. Acting Accordingly in '09. Okay, so for those of you who don't know, acting accordingly is my mantra for the year (or indefinitely...as long as it takes me to get it right) which equates to acting your damn age. this might include but in NO WAY is limited to: getting your funds right, being honest, getting a new (or first) job, going to (or back to) school, or not fucking every tom, dick and harry (or sally). i have a couple of these on my list...for me, being honest (not mean) with primarily myself and others is part of acting accordingly. however, in spite of recent shenanigans, i am seriously thinking of going back to circa '07/early '08 and just doing whatever makes me feel good. hell, in a lot of ways, life is MUCH easier when you act now and beg for forgiveness later. hmm...i'll keep you posted on this one...

anyways, just needed to vent.

damn, it's hard out here for a bad, black girl.

The Red Pump Project

Today is National Women and Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day. I honestly would not have known that if it were not for The Red Pump Project. So head on over to the site for some information and inspiration to get involved.

Here are some stats from the website:

HIV/AIDS & Women Statistics

Statistics used are from the Center for Disease Control's website. Although these stats are only taking the United States into account, globally, HIV/AIDS is no less of a problem, especially for women.

Key Snapshot of the U.S. Epidemic Today

• Number of new HIV infections, 2006: 56,300
• Number of people living with HIV/AIDS: 1.1 million, including more than 468,000 with AIDS
• Number of AIDS deaths since beginning of epidemic: 583,298, including 14,561 in 2007
• Percent of people infected with HIV who don’t know it: 21%
  

HIV/AIDS & Women in the United States
------------------------------------------------
*There are approximately 1.1 million people living with HIV/AIDS in the U.S. & almost 280,000 are women

*In 2006, there were 15,000 new HIV infections and 9,801 AIDS cases diagnosed among women

*There were 3,784 deaths among women with AIDS in 2006

*Among those who are HIV positive, 35% of women were tested for HIV late in their illness (diagnosed with AIDS within one year of testing positive)

*HIV is the 5th leading cause of death in women in the United States, ages 25-44

*High-risk heterosexual contact is the source of 80% of these newly diagnosed infections in women

*According to a CDC study of more than 19,500 patients with HIV in 10 US cities, women were slightly less likely than men to receive prescriptions for the most effective treatments for HIV infection

*Women with AIDS made up an increasing part of the epidemic. In 1992, women accounted for an estimated 14% of adults and adolescents living with AIDS in the 50 states and the District of Columbia. By the end of 2005, this proportion had grown to 23%

*From the beginning of the epidemic through 2005, almost 86,000 women have died of AIDS and AIDS-related complications.

*The largest number of HIV/AIDS diagnoses during recent years was for women aged 15–39

HIV/AIDS & Minority Women
-----------------------------------
HIV/AIDS disproportionately affects minority women in the United States. According to the 2005 census, Black and Latina women represent 24% of all US women combined, but account for 82% of the estimated total of AIDS diagnoses for women in 2005.

HIV is:

*the leading cause of death for black women (including African American women) aged 25–34 years.

*the 3rd leading cause of death for black women aged 35–44 years.

*the 4th leading cause of death for black women aged 45–54 years.

*the 4th leading cause of death for Latina women aged 35–44 years.

*The only diseases causing more deaths of women were cancer and heart disease

*The rate of AIDS diagnosis for black women was approximately 23 times the rate for white women and 4 times the rate for Latina women

*In 2006, teen girls represented 39% of AIDS cases reported among 13–19 year-olds. Black teens represented 69% of cases reported among 13–19 year-olds; Latino teens represented 19%

These statistics were pulled from The Center for Disease Control's website and the Kaiser Family Foundation's Fact Sheets (which cited the CDC). Get more information about the effect of the epidemic from these sites.

BBGs and readers, please feel free to share your thoughts, feelings, and concerns. Also, please share suggestions for ways that we can all be more involved in this cause that hits closer and closer to home everyday.

my conundrum...

How do you navigate protecting yourself, when taking care of "You" is hurting someone you love?

I know its not healthy to offer one's self up as an emotional martyr....

I feel guilty for the moments of happiness I feel without him...

I feel conflicted in the moments when I desperately just want a shoulder or another perspective...

I feel stupid for crying in the face of some obvious incompatibility...

I feel weak for indulging my tendency to romanticize and reminisce...

I get nauseous from the self-loathing I feel when I know I've made him cry or messed up his day...

I get nauseous from the self-loathing I feel when I let his words or actions mess up MY day..

I find strength in my ability to call him and be friendly...

I find strength in my ability not to call him at all...

I want him to make this work with the new girl...I couldn't stand by and watch him hurting again

Part of me is terrified of being responsible for another's happiness...not sure i handle it well...

But I want him to make it work with her and not give up on our friendship...or at least the chance of our friendship...

I feel guilty for not being able to cut him off, for both of our sakes...

but is that right? I can only make the decision for me, right? I can't decide whats best for him...can I? That's not my place....

He blames me. I blame him and me... so it two against one right now...

Was I stupid for not just taking the bad with the good. Maybe no one is as happy as I think "happy" should be. Maybe that's as close as I was gonna get... maybe Happy Often was my best option? If it was your best option, its not settling right?

I'm 85% sure i did the right thing, even though it wasn't easy...isn't easy.

Shouldn't the right thing feel better though?

I hope my new healthcare plan covers a shrink...I just wish I knew how to feel better in all of this...