How do you navigate protecting yourself, when taking care of "You" is hurting someone you love?
I know its not healthy to offer one's self up as an emotional martyr....
I feel guilty for the moments of happiness I feel without him...
I feel conflicted in the moments when I desperately just want a shoulder or another perspective...
I feel stupid for crying in the face of some obvious incompatibility...
I feel weak for indulging my tendency to romanticize and reminisce...
I get nauseous from the self-loathing I feel when I know I've made him cry or messed up his day...
I get nauseous from the self-loathing I feel when I let his words or actions mess up MY day..
I find strength in my ability to call him and be friendly...
I find strength in my ability not to call him at all...
I want him to make this work with the new girl...I couldn't stand by and watch him hurting again
Part of me is terrified of being responsible for another's happiness...not sure i handle it well...
But I want him to make it work with her and not give up on our friendship...or at least the chance of our friendship...
I feel guilty for not being able to cut him off, for both of our sakes...
but is that right? I can only make the decision for me, right? I can't decide whats best for him...can I? That's not my place....
He blames me. I blame him and me... so it two against one right now...
Was I stupid for not just taking the bad with the good. Maybe no one is as happy as I think "happy" should be. Maybe that's as close as I was gonna get... maybe Happy Often was my best option? If it was your best option, its not settling right?
I'm 85% sure i did the right thing, even though it wasn't easy...isn't easy.
Shouldn't the right thing feel better though?
I hope my new healthcare plan covers a shrink...I just wish I knew how to feel better in all of this...
The Closet House
3 years ago
5 comments:
Oooh, relationship stuff. I love it!
Let me introduce a thought. No person can make another person do anything. So even if your actions cause a feeling to arise in him, you didn't MAKE that feeling happen.
Your happiness is your business. Someone else's happiness is his or her business. You can't rely on someone else for your happiness and no matter how fabulous you are, you can't make happiness happen for someone else.
I know what I'm talking about may sounds nuts, but try to think about it from the above perspective the next time you get ready to "self-loathe."
Only you could make the agony of relationship drama sound so poetic.
Sounds like you know exactly what you should do and are doing it. Don't let the second thoughts get in your way. Easier said than done, I know.
Also, it wasn't and isn't your best option. It may have been your best option at the time when you were too focused on you and him and not seeing or creating other options.
Hang in there. I'm talking as much to myself as I am to you. We can do it.
Thank you guys, for both reading and responding! I wasn't tryg to sound dramatic, scouts honor...ut felt good to get it out though! I tend to let toe things circle in my head and never get them out!!!
Yay for the cathartic blogging experience!
You both are right and I am going to print out your comments and tape them in my planner.
and T, I will try to keep the self-loathing to a minimum or at least linke to shifts in hormonal balance...
1. I get nauseous from the self-loathing I feel when I know I've made him cry or messed up his day...
- How does he feel about you? Does HE get sick at the thought of messing up your day?
2. I get nauseous from the self-loathing I feel when I let his words or actions mess up MY day..
-This is one of the hardest; not letting someone else's actions control our emotions. boo :(
3. I find strength in my ability to call him and be friendly...
-Overrated
4. I find strength in my ability not to call him at all...
-Yes, and keep this up and pray for more!
5.Part of me is terrified of being responsible for another's happiness...not sure i handle it well...
- you are NOT responsible for another's happiness. you need to focus on yours. i say this especially considering i hear you saying a lot of your happiness comes from him or making him happy...find NEW ways to be happy.
5. But I want him to make it work with her and not give up on our friendship...or at least the chance of our friendship...
- this is the 2nd hardest thing to accomplish, and takes an immense amount of time to accomplish. you have to step away for a long time, get to know yourself again and then re-introduce yourself to the person. it might be, that after some time has been taken, you won't desire the friendship (or desire it as much).
and NO, you cannot decide what's best for him!
YOU! YOU! YOU! It's all about you!
5.Part of me is terrified of being responsible for another's happiness...not sure i handle it well...
- you are NOT responsible for another's happiness. you need to focus on yours. i say this especially considering i hear you saying a lot of your happiness comes from him or making him happy...find NEW ways to be happy.
yeah. i second all of that. awesome
Post a Comment