I said I'm single

for my (single) ladies...enjoy! ;)

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"It's Complicated"

so, i, the long-term happily single one, has decided being "in like" sucks. i mean, think about it, being "in like" complicates everything. well, not everything (oh, stop, you know me, i'm prone to exaggeration), but a lot. for example...

...you spend all of your (previously) free time trying to figure out if s/he likes you, how much s/he likes you, how much longer before you give up the goodies, if you should offer to pay for tonight's date, if you should tell her/him that you really don't care for soy lattes, in fact, you're okay with consuming cow's milk in several varieties (therefore soy dream ice cream is unnecessary), wondering when you'll be introduced to her/his friends, if it's okay to mark your territory at her/his apartment, how to tell the cutie at the gym/grocer/school you're taken (wait, are you?!), trying to decipher what "dating exclusively" and other bullshit terms mean...i digress...

i mean, REALLY?! i'm calling bullshit. it's overrated.

boogie...longing for the simpler life (and taking suggestions on how to get it back)

The REAL Crisis in the Black (Female) Community

So.  Me and IC were choppin it up last night and we ended up talking about boys.  To be precise, we ended up talking about women who talk about boys, or partners, or marriage or relationships or all of the above.  And I remarked on how I end up in one of these conversations with every black woman in my life: the Little Sistren (both Little and Littlest), the linesisters and the prophytes, Flava, bad black girls, the academic Fam, random twitterers.  Which can be fun but lately has gotten frustrating.  Aren't we all successful, enterprising, creative and beautiful women who are doing a PLETHORA of other things outside of the (romantic) men in our lives?  Aren't we engaged in politics and art and education?  Hell, aren't some of us readies and foodies and music or entertainment heads?  So why does it seem like we end up in these conversations over and over--or complaining about these conversations (yes, I am a case in point).

Is it the crisis of the Disney Princess Generation entering its 30s?  At which point IC broke it down for me.  To paraphrase:

It is like we feel like something missing or we are unsatisfied or unfulfilled.  And instead of of focusing on correcting that or resolving ourselves, we decide that what is missing is a relationship.  So we fixate on that and decide that is what is missing and that is going to fill what is unfulfilled.

I know we keep saying stuff like this, but it is still true and still a good reminder.  This is probably why Tayari Jones post on "Penvy" resonated so much with me.  Read it but the best line is: 

"When I say get to work, I'm saying get back to you."

I'm not having a 30s crisis yet--I think.  But I am starting to get that antzy feeling--that "get to work" feeling--where I'm ready to get it poppin.  Shake things up.  Start a new project.  Six months ago, I identified that feeling with Mr. but recent events put me in a position to think twice about that.   I don't think it was him.  I think it is this transition into a new phase of life and figuring out what the new adventure is going to be.  Is it back to D.C. to do youth activism and rape crisis work?  Is it to Chicago to education work?  Is it France to work with recent immigrants?  Senegal?  Ghana?  Puerto Rico?  I'm itchy to get to work on the next step.  That is probably not the complete answer to why I don't feel completely fulfilled but at least I know that is part of it and I can start to work on the rest.  

Which is hard enough since the accepted discourse on black women's lives doesn't even give us space to even imagine it that way.  And that is a tragedy.  Imagine how many Alice, Zora, Lorraine, Lucille's we have out there who hit 30 (or more like 20, once upon a time) and convinced themselves that it wasn't a new professional, creative or economic adventure that they needed to embark upon--they just didn't have a man.  But we every update on TheRoot.com, the 5 o'clock news and our Facebook/Twitter feeds telling us what we need is a good husband. 

that is all.

The Little Town in Maine Post

(x-posted over at Puff's blog, Generalize This)



A year ago, I moved to a Little Town in Maine. Like Puff, I'm dissertating which is really just a shorthand way of saying I go wherever someone will pay me to teach/research/write until I get my advisor's stamp of approval and I'm allowed to go find a "real" job (then I'll still have to go wherever someone will pay me to teach/research/write but I'll get better benefits and a bright-eyed research assistant I can unload five plus years of pent up exploitation on. What joy is mine).

My travels led me up to the northeast edge of the country, 3 parts New England and 1 part Canada, where the population of people of color is 2% at best and composed of Rwandan, Somali and Sudanese immigrants, military folk, college students (students not faculty, and with an emphasis on athletes) and a few ancien African-Americans descended from eighteenth-century black New England families or some combination of the above. To put that in better perspective, I know all five adult black women in town and all of us are affiliated with the university.

It starts getting dark at 3 p.m. here in the winter. The town (don't blink, you'll miss it) closes shop at 5 p.m. (the really rowdy ones close at 8). Driving slow is the norm and honking is rude (for a native Chicagoan, this damn near kills me). Walking is big, running is bigger, kayaking in the summer (and snowshowing in the winter) is biggest. Everyone has partners (this a meta term that pretty much signifies long-term sexual relations whether married or otherwise) and kids. And playdates. The public radio station plays classical music 80% of the day and there is no Tell Me More or hip hop & R&B station (utter fail as far as I'm concerned and really? All day? who wants to hear classical ALL day?). Waking up at the butt crack of dawn is not only commendable but expected and if you admit you don't expect to receive the New England Look of Disdain.

I think I kind of love it.

Which is weird. Because I'm pretty much the opposite of everything above. I mean--I'm urban. The hell am I doing on the other side of the world in a little town where I can't even find good leave-in conditioner?

But there is something refreshing and familiar--in a Northside Chicago sense--about the blue collar, laid back townspeople. I won't describe them here because I'd have to think and choose my words and this was supposed to be a quick morning post. I'll just say that I got here and I knew them. They were my Polish-Italian immigrant descended neighbors in Chicago's Lincoln Square, they are my mother's overworked and underpaid co-workers, hell, some of them are my mother with her stubborn and loving belief in equal opportunity. And I appreciate that they don't come laden with the same oppressive baggage that I found in, say, St. Louis or Atlanta or D.C. Oh, they have their own issues, and put some of these folks in those cities for a few years and I'll bet white privilege will have its way with them. But their issues aren't the same. Time, place and historical context has given them a willingness to engage you.

And a willingness to leave you alone to do your own thing since their sense of self doesn't revolve around oppressing you.

So to everyone who ever looked on my move to a small town in the Arctic circle with disbelief--yo, it's cool. Give it a try. Life is grand.

Mmm....

So I'm sitting at home, burning my Oshun incense (mmmm mmmm mmmmmMMM!) and reminiscing on my lovely spring break.  And considering searching out a hot tub spot somewhere in southern Maine.

In loving memory:





Thanks again to Cornflake Girl for hosting.  I hope everyone slipped back into the Real World with no harm and no foul. 

boogie, Maven--see you in a week or so.

California Love

Countdown is TOO official...



...be on the look for Cali love of the week over the next 4 weeks. Who's got next?

you got kids?

so, new boo potential on the horizon. nothing major...cool dude, tall enough, good job, well-educated, chill. it works for the moment and we have good convo. it's easy so, purpose is being served.

now, during one of our chill conversations, he asked me if i had kids. my first thought was, "hell no." then, i thought, "why the hell would he ask ME that?" then..."duh, genius." it occurred to me tonight in the shower(don't hate on that good thinking time) that the lead question isn't one that even enters my consciousness to ask. i mean, it kinda makes sense, i don't have kids, therefore, why would it occur to me to ask someone else if they do? (okay, i know the answer to that).

however, it reminded me that no matter how many years i can count on this earth, no matter how much i look at friends' pics on FB and drool over their children, no matter how much i will REALLY want kids someday, I am NOT READY.

but, it also made me think about what i want from a potential mate. i think i'm okay with kids. (egh.) i also think i don't want to be bothered. my child walks herself, eats when she wants to, and sleeps 80% of the day...and doggonit, i like it!

age old convo, but one worth having since i say i'm looking for more (with an open heart) in 2010.

wish list for 2010...

yo, my girls had it right in '93. just sayin'...



you're welcome...

;)

in a sentimental mood

consider this a "redux" of the previous post.

i just realized...i get really sentimental/moody/needy around this time of year. i could attribute it to any number of things. however, i am sure it has to do the high frequency of bbg b-days between dec-feb (therefore celebrations) and the reunions we were previously so damned good at creating.

immense amounts of love and miss.

I Miss You All...

individually and collectively.

I could use a real common room space with good food, drinks, chocolate chip cookies, and caramel cake. Until then, I'll be reaching out to each of you in some way, shape, or form in the coming weeks for random conversation and support. Hopefully I'll be able to provide some as well.

BTW - Who's going to see The Princess and the Frog this weekend?

TOTALLY random

um, this is a total Boogie/ADD moment...

how sad is it i, at damn near 30, have to ask my little (wait, younger, she's got 2" on me) sister for help with make-up and hair? very. buying new eye-shadow took about 2 hours today and of course they are ALL in that N.A.G. (Neutral Ass Girl) family...i need help. Black Lilly knows my pain and has lived it second-hand by attempting to help me through my struggles. ugh.

Let's Discuss...

A Message to Black Women: Why You Shouldn’t Limit Yourself to Black Men

Fleacé Weaver

I was motivated to create my Free Your Mind seminars, which encourage Black women to date non-Black men, after listening to an impassioned friend—an attractive woman in her late 30s—lament an all too common refrain from Black women as young as 25. With a master's degree, an executive job, a mortgage in her name, and no children, she just couldn't understand why she was alone when she'd done everything "right." She wanted to find a nice Black guy and get married. She complained about being overlooked by Black men who pretended she didn't exist, or worse, the ones who quoted the unfortunate ratio of Black men to Black women with a smile like the cat who had swallowed the canary. By the time she finished explaining, she had tears in her eyes. And I was thinking: life is way too short to be unhappy and way too long if you are alone when you don't want to be.

TOTALLY RANDOM: the small joys of being single

cereal, chips-n-salsa or maybe a nectarine with a glass of wine for dinner. hell, why not all four?
combine that with no one asking you, "hey, can you pick something up? what are we having? should we go out for dinner?"

howabout being FLYY as hell and doing it for ya damn self?

ok, ok, one more...having unlimited options of who you spend your time with: him? nah, him...no wait, him. eh, maybe the girls. no wait, i don't want to see a damn person. ;)

anywho, i just had a moment.

lata, loves!

These Degrees...

We have all seen those articles about educated black women not being able to find a mate, well a black male mate. We've even debated them in almost every form of communication. However, I still can't get over the reaction of certain men when I tell them that I have (or was pursuing) a master's degree. I've gotten a few interesting reactions but none as startling as this one:

Last month, I was out celebrating a friend's birthday. The last bar closes and we are hanging around outside trying to figure out where we are heading next. People break off into their groups (another post) and I ended up talking to a guy who was waiting on his friend to close up the bar. We make normal small talk and appear to be hitting it off really well. I don't remember what we were talking about but I mention something about teaching. He got super excited about that for some reason. "Oh, you teach?! What do you teach?" I tell him that I used to teach but just recently completed my masters in counseling and was looking for work. He then goes into some crazy mumbling about how a bachelors was enough for him, especially because of the loans, how he can't find work in his field, and how the government is coming after him to pay back his loans and might even garnish his wages. I try offer some friendly suggestions but I'm thinking "For real, dude? TMI." At this point, the birthday girl's phone rings (of which I have possession for the safety of all parties) and allows me to exit this drama stage right.

Ladies and gentleman, what the hell? Does an advanced degree, or not having one, really come with all of that baggage? Does it matter that I must have at least a masters degree to work in my field? Men, is it important for you to have the same or more education than your significant other? Ladies, have you encountered men who are uncomfortable with your education? Has this played a part in your decision to pursue an advanced degree? Would you date a guy with less education than you?

Personally, I would like to think that it wouldn't matter to me what level of education a man had as long as we were able to have intelligent conversation and it wasn't an issue for him. However, all the guys that were not "on my level" education wise have made it an issue. Maybe its something I'm doing wrong but I'm proud of my education. I must admit, though, over the past year I've talked about my education a lot more than usual when first meeting people to explain why I didn't have a "job." I'm used to working, being independent and going to school. So this past year has been really uncomfortable, but my degree, and the pursuit of it, kept me warm.

I hope I didn't/don't sound like this though.

School Spirit Skit 2 - Kanye West

Maven Metaphor 8/21/09: the beginning of Real Talk PSA

I had an interesting conversation with a friend today about relationships. I'm not sure if it was my own financial crises pushing their way to the forefront of my consciousness as the conversation wore on, but something struck a chord with me. All of the sudden, I found myself able to articulate my thoughts about imbalanced relationships.

real talk PSA: you have no credit history. you're overdrawn. your account is inactive... please know that your emotional investments operate a lot like your financial ones: there are penalties for trying to take out more than you put in. --the Maven

In case you are wondering, My goal is to generate at least 365 of these bad boys...enough for our very own BBG inspirational "quote-a-day" calendar. Hallmark is making a killing on those bad boys... we can't let them corner the market!

So WHEN (not if) your life inspires a "real talk PSA," jot it down and post it. Feel free to source other BBGs world wide...just remember attribution is key! Only 364 to go! =)

the politics of marriage

So, i was privy to a situation between a husband and wife at the j-o-b today (which admittedly is foreign to me given my "single" status). Don't ask why "single" is in quotations, lol.

background: work is killer right now. my unit has some huge projects under-way. very stressful, but potentially fruitful and definitely exciting projects. we will be working late nights (8-10pm in office) and early mornings (6-7 am start times) for probably the next week or so.

characters: self. you all know me, so i won't get into heavy character descriptions here. young (recent college grad) staff assistant (SA) and her NEW, younger husband (SAH). SA & SAH are african-american, pretty devout Christians and fairly conservative in general. SA is ivy-educated, YES she is attractive (for the male readers) and generally speaking, a well-rounded girl. Within the confines of our office and unit, she rarely has an issue sharing her opinions and makes very good decisions.

setting: office. approaching 8 o'clock hour.

SAH calls (not the first time since i've been over-seeing final pieces of tonight's project). He's downstairs, waiting on wifey to buzz him up. i come down to let him in so SA can keep working. of course, he is disappointed to see not his lovely wife, but my slave-driving ass come down to greet him with a marginally warm "hello." (sorry folks, it's the best i can do on 4 hours sleep, deadlines and with someone else's man). ok, so he's peeved, i would be too.

we make small talk on the ride up to the top floor. (ok, i have to interject some judgmental, albeit descriptive things i noticed.) 1. he didn't wait for me to exit the elevator first, he got off and waited for me to let him past our secure office door. 2. he then walked through the door in front of me and proceeded to SA's office. So, yea, fail on chivalry. he comes into the office, i step out so they can have a moment to greet one another/small talk. shortly after i return to the office, SAH makes a point to say (i think more for me than for her), "hun, b/c you have to be back by 6am, i need you to be done, ready to go, by 9."

OF COURSE the kid peeped this something strong. ok. imma let that pass. my brain interpreted this comment 2 ways simultaneously: 1. he is concerned for her well-being and wants her to get a good night's rest and have some balance between work and personal life. 2. he is controlling and concerned about getting home and watching the T.O. show.

so SA and I are grinding it out. as time wears on, i watch him monitor the time and give "gentle" reminders. as 9 swiftly approaches, he begins to huff and puff, tap his foot and make far less "gentle" reminders such as, "babe, you know i love you, but you've got to make some decisions." Now again ya'll know me, so you can only imagine what I am thinking. Okay, in case you're wondering, it went a little something like this, "she has decided to get this work done so we don't loose our damn jobs."

9:02 p.m., SAH: "babe, i really love you and you know this, but you need to decide what makes a happy home." Ok. So at this point, i'm like, "this is real not cute for ANY of us." combined with, "oh no he didn't." and "oh wait, yes he did and i kinda respect it." and don't forget, "nigga, she is keeping home happy by making this money to support your ass!"

SA promptly turns to me and says, "um, boogie, i can't stay. i really have to get home. i can finish this in the morning when we get back." (note, she doesn't provide one of the more professional responses including, but not limited to: "i can get it to you later tonight", or "by 11 and i will email it" OR "oh, hun, i need to stay 20 minutes and finish a critical piece to ensure completion by 8 am tomorrow"). SA then quickly turns off laptop and packs it up before i can ask where she stands on completing the task.

My response was no where near, "girl, i know, it's late, we need to get out of here. rather, it went a like, "oh, well, where do we stand? in reviewing the pages you just gave me, we have some corrections to make before print tomorrow AM." i proceed to point them out to her, at the same time pointing out she needs to email me her latest draft so that I can continue working...TO GET THE JOB DONE.

now, i MUST acknowledge my single, heterosexual, liberal, feminist, independent,task/goal-oriented nature/persona. however, something about this entire situation rubbed me the WRONG FUCKING WAY! at the same time, i MUST acknowledge my single, never-married, no-children, young, task/goal-oriented status which limits my perspective on "what makes a happy home" between man and woman.

so, i need some feedback on what i witnessed. was this "typical?" (right, whatever THAT is...) did she abandon her job duties? would men expect their woman to leave work behind and come home to "make a happy home?" would women out there leave work (under a partner's command/request) to "make a happy home?" what makes a happy home? clear, shared expectations? demands? semi-reasonable requests on occasion?

again, i understand there are dynamics in play which i may not understand b/c i am have never been and am not currently married.

brothers, speak to me.

i know my ladies are gonna chime in.

Maven on the high seas...

in case you were wondering how i keep myself busy while I'm missing all of my girls..... sigh... oh the foolishness... The embedding specs are off since we shot in wideframe but you get the idea.....

Black and Brown Kids Barred from the Pool (Philly)

From Color of Change. The day camp paid the club $1900.00 to act a damn fool.

[ETA: The Field Negro, an excellent blogger in Philly, has his ear to the ground with an excellent breakdown/update of facts]

Dear friends,

Two weeks ago outside Philadelphia, sixty-five children from a summer camp tried to go swimming at a club their camp had a contract to use. Evidently, the club didn't know the kids were largely Black.

When the campers entered the pool, White parents took their kids out of the water, and the swimming club's staff asked the campers to leave. The next day, the club told the summer camp that their membership would be canceled and that they would refund their money. When asked why, the club's leader said the "kids would change the complexion ... and the atmosphere of the club."

A "Whites only" pool in 2009 should not be tolerated. The club's actions appear to be a violation of section 1981 of the Civil Rights Act. Whether or not any laws were violated, a "Whites only" pool should be something every American condemns.

I've just joined ColorOfChange.org in doing exactly that -- will you join me, and email your friends and family asking them to do the same? We're also calling on the Department of Justice to evaluate suing the facility under federal law. It takes just a moment to do both, here:

http://www.colorofchange.org/swim/?id=1766-899373

Obama is President but that doesn't mean that suddenly all is fine when it comes to race in America. This is a vivid reminder of what we know still lies beneath the surface.

We all know stories like this one -- similar incidents play out quietly every day in different communities across the country. The difference in this case is that folks got caught and there was a contract in place that makes for a potentially illegal act.

Standing up now isn't just about making things right for these kids in Philadelphia or bringing consequences to this swim club (called the Valley Swim Club). It's about creating a climate of accountability everywhere. If we can publicly shame the Valley Swim Club and hold them accountable for this incident, it will make others think twice before engaging in this kind of discrimination.

Please join me in condemning the Valley Swim Club's blatant discrimination and calling on the Justice Department to investigate whether they violated civil rights laws. And please ask your friends and family to do the same.

http://www.colorofchange.org/swim/?id=1766-899373

Thanks.

Here are some links to more info:

"Pool Boots Kids Who Might 'Change the Complexion,'" NBC Philadelphia, 07-08-09
http://bit.ly/90Zyr

"60 Black Kids Booted from Philly Pool For Being Black -- Speak Out," Jill Tubman at Jack and Jill Politics, 07-08-09
http://bit.ly/GkJTs

"Valley Swim Club: Day Two," Adam B at Daily Kos, 07-08-09
http://bit.ly/qbpSA

"Section 1981 Summary," Employment Law Information Network
http://www.elinfonet.com/1981sum.php

Update: Department of Justice takes the case on

What if Strawberry Shortcake Got Gangsta?

A new twist on movies-that-should-be-made (b.k.a. DisneyFail) that fits right in our world where princess kick bad guy ass and don't need a man to live happily ever after:

Strawberry Shortcake: The Fall Of Orange Blossom

Plot: Orange Blossom, once a dear friend of Strawberry Shortcake, moves in with the Peculiar Purple Pie Man of Porcupine Peak and changes her name to Citrus Frost. All hell breaks loose when she tries to freeze her former fruit-friends into oblivion. Will Strawberry Shortcake save the day?

Tag Line: "Orange You Glad This Shortcake Can Kick Some Ass?"

From Jezebel. They've got Care Bears, She-Ra, Rainbrow Brite and JEM among others.

(Why was I so geeked to see JEM? And why hasn't a movie been made about her yet???? Come on!)

Just Because...

Black Girl Pain - Talib Kweli

Black Girl Pain

[Hook]

My mama said life would be this hard
Growin up days as a black girl scarred
In every way still we've come so far
They just know the name they don't know the pain
So please hold your heads up high
Don't be ashamed of yourself know I
Will carry forth til the day I die
They just know the name they don't know the pain black girl

[Talib Kweli]
I do it for the people, I do it for the love
I do it for the poet, I do it for the thug
This is for victory, and this is for the slaughter
I do it for my mother, I do it for my daughter
Promise I'll always love ya, I love to kiss and hug ya
You and your brother should be lookin out for one another
I'm so blessed, man, y'all the reason I got up
Somebody put his hands on you I'm gettin locked up
I'm not playin, that's the prayer I'm sayin for Diani
And if I die then she'll be protected by Amani
That's her bigger brother and I love the way he love her
She a girly-girl, she love to imitate her mother
But she a Gemini, so stay on the friendly side
She'll put that look on you, it's like somebody friend just died
My pretty black princess smell sweet like that incense
That you buy at the bookstore supporting black business
Teach her what black is; the fact is her parents are thorough
She four reading Cornrows by Camille Yarborough
I keep her hair braided, bought her a black Barbie
I keep her mind free; she ain't no black zombie
This is for Aisha, this is for Kashera
This is for Khadijah scared to look up in the mirror
I see the picture clearer thru the stain on the frame
She got a black girl name, she livin black girl pain
This is for Makeba, and for my mamacita
What's really good, ma? I'll be your promise-keeper
I see the picture clearer thru the stain on the frame
She got a black girl name, she livin black girl pain

[Hook]
My mama said life would be this hard
Growin up days as a black girl scarred
In every way still we've come so far
They just know the name they don't know the pain
So please hold your heads up high
Don't be ashamed of yourself know I
Will carry it forth til the day I die
They just know the name they don't know the pain black girl

[Jean Grae]
This is for Beatrice Bertha Benjamin who gave birth to
Tsidi Azeeda for Lavender Hill for Khayelitsha
ALTHLONE, Mitchell's Plain, Swazi girls I'm reppin for thee
Mannesburg, Guguletu where you'd just be blessed to get thru
For beauty shinin thru like the sun at the highest noon
From the top of the cable car at Table Mountain; I am you
Girls with the skyest blue of eyes and the darkest skin
For Cape Colored allied for realizing we're African
For all my cousins back home, the strength of mommy's backbone
The length of which she went for raising, sacrificing her own
The pain of not reflecting the range of our complexions
For rubber pellet scars on Auntie Elna's back I march
Fist raised caramel shinin in all our glory
For Mauritius, St, Helena; my blood is a million stories
Winnie for Joan and for Edie, for Norma, Leslie, Ndidi
For Auntie Betty, for Melanie; all the same family
Fiona, Jo Burg, complex of mixed girls
For surviving thru every lie they put into us now
The world is yours and I swear I will stand focused
Black girls, raise up your hands; the world should clap for us

[Hook]
My mama said life would be this hard
Growin up days as a black girl scarred
In every way still we've come so far
They just know the name they don't know the pain
So please hold your heads up high
Don't be ashamed of yourself know I
Will carry it forth til the day I die cos
They just know the name they don't know the pain black girl