"It's Complicated"

so, i, the long-term happily single one, has decided being "in like" sucks. i mean, think about it, being "in like" complicates everything. well, not everything (oh, stop, you know me, i'm prone to exaggeration), but a lot. for example...

...you spend all of your (previously) free time trying to figure out if s/he likes you, how much s/he likes you, how much longer before you give up the goodies, if you should offer to pay for tonight's date, if you should tell her/him that you really don't care for soy lattes, in fact, you're okay with consuming cow's milk in several varieties (therefore soy dream ice cream is unnecessary), wondering when you'll be introduced to her/his friends, if it's okay to mark your territory at her/his apartment, how to tell the cutie at the gym/grocer/school you're taken (wait, are you?!), trying to decipher what "dating exclusively" and other bullshit terms mean...i digress...

i mean, REALLY?! i'm calling bullshit. it's overrated.

boogie...longing for the simpler life (and taking suggestions on how to get it back)

"I want to fall in love again"

In the fall of 2001, I said to a friend in conversation that I wanted to fall in love again. Neither of us remember the context of that statement but the pure emotion of the statement stuck with her. It was the theme of my Christmas gift that year. It's now approaching nine years since that conversation and I have yet to fall in love again. I don't know quite how I feel about that. I'm not sad nor do I feel like I've missed out on anything in the last nine years but that feeling is definitely with me right now. So as I seek to love again, I'm reflecting on what love was to me.

Love was...

• being listened to.
  
• being loved.
  
• being seen for my best, even in my worst moments.
• problem solving.
  
• encouragement.
• safety and security.
• being a priority.
• feeling beautiful.
• being cared for.
• great kisses.
• hugs that made everything better.
• understanding my struggles.
• wiping away my tears.
• butterflies.
• smiling at the mentioning of a name.
• silly nicknames.
• feeling invincible.
• wanting to share my darkest secret.
• wanting to trust.
  
• hoping for forever.
• the desire to reciprocate.
  

I have to say, at 28, love doesn't look much different than it did at 19. The difference is that I know I can get all of these things (except the great kisses) from my friends and, most importantly, from myself. The last nine years have been full of new beginnings, lessons, and growth. I've been building a foundation that will support me so that the next time I do fall in love, it will feel more like a treat than...

oxygen.

The REAL Crisis in the Black (Female) Community

So.  Me and IC were choppin it up last night and we ended up talking about boys.  To be precise, we ended up talking about women who talk about boys, or partners, or marriage or relationships or all of the above.  And I remarked on how I end up in one of these conversations with every black woman in my life: the Little Sistren (both Little and Littlest), the linesisters and the prophytes, Flava, bad black girls, the academic Fam, random twitterers.  Which can be fun but lately has gotten frustrating.  Aren't we all successful, enterprising, creative and beautiful women who are doing a PLETHORA of other things outside of the (romantic) men in our lives?  Aren't we engaged in politics and art and education?  Hell, aren't some of us readies and foodies and music or entertainment heads?  So why does it seem like we end up in these conversations over and over--or complaining about these conversations (yes, I am a case in point).

Is it the crisis of the Disney Princess Generation entering its 30s?  At which point IC broke it down for me.  To paraphrase:

It is like we feel like something missing or we are unsatisfied or unfulfilled.  And instead of of focusing on correcting that or resolving ourselves, we decide that what is missing is a relationship.  So we fixate on that and decide that is what is missing and that is going to fill what is unfulfilled.

I know we keep saying stuff like this, but it is still true and still a good reminder.  This is probably why Tayari Jones post on "Penvy" resonated so much with me.  Read it but the best line is: 

"When I say get to work, I'm saying get back to you."

I'm not having a 30s crisis yet--I think.  But I am starting to get that antzy feeling--that "get to work" feeling--where I'm ready to get it poppin.  Shake things up.  Start a new project.  Six months ago, I identified that feeling with Mr. but recent events put me in a position to think twice about that.   I don't think it was him.  I think it is this transition into a new phase of life and figuring out what the new adventure is going to be.  Is it back to D.C. to do youth activism and rape crisis work?  Is it to Chicago to education work?  Is it France to work with recent immigrants?  Senegal?  Ghana?  Puerto Rico?  I'm itchy to get to work on the next step.  That is probably not the complete answer to why I don't feel completely fulfilled but at least I know that is part of it and I can start to work on the rest.  

Which is hard enough since the accepted discourse on black women's lives doesn't even give us space to even imagine it that way.  And that is a tragedy.  Imagine how many Alice, Zora, Lorraine, Lucille's we have out there who hit 30 (or more like 20, once upon a time) and convinced themselves that it wasn't a new professional, creative or economic adventure that they needed to embark upon--they just didn't have a man.  But we every update on TheRoot.com, the 5 o'clock news and our Facebook/Twitter feeds telling us what we need is a good husband. 

that is all.

Mmm....

So I'm sitting at home, burning my Oshun incense (mmmm mmmm mmmmmMMM!) and reminiscing on my lovely spring break.  And considering searching out a hot tub spot somewhere in southern Maine.

In loving memory:





Thanks again to Cornflake Girl for hosting.  I hope everyone slipped back into the Real World with no harm and no foul. 

boogie, Maven--see you in a week or so.

wish list for 2010...

yo, my girls had it right in '93. just sayin'...



you're welcome...

;)

the politics of marriage

So, i was privy to a situation between a husband and wife at the j-o-b today (which admittedly is foreign to me given my "single" status). Don't ask why "single" is in quotations, lol.

background: work is killer right now. my unit has some huge projects under-way. very stressful, but potentially fruitful and definitely exciting projects. we will be working late nights (8-10pm in office) and early mornings (6-7 am start times) for probably the next week or so.

characters: self. you all know me, so i won't get into heavy character descriptions here. young (recent college grad) staff assistant (SA) and her NEW, younger husband (SAH). SA & SAH are african-american, pretty devout Christians and fairly conservative in general. SA is ivy-educated, YES she is attractive (for the male readers) and generally speaking, a well-rounded girl. Within the confines of our office and unit, she rarely has an issue sharing her opinions and makes very good decisions.

setting: office. approaching 8 o'clock hour.

SAH calls (not the first time since i've been over-seeing final pieces of tonight's project). He's downstairs, waiting on wifey to buzz him up. i come down to let him in so SA can keep working. of course, he is disappointed to see not his lovely wife, but my slave-driving ass come down to greet him with a marginally warm "hello." (sorry folks, it's the best i can do on 4 hours sleep, deadlines and with someone else's man). ok, so he's peeved, i would be too.

we make small talk on the ride up to the top floor. (ok, i have to interject some judgmental, albeit descriptive things i noticed.) 1. he didn't wait for me to exit the elevator first, he got off and waited for me to let him past our secure office door. 2. he then walked through the door in front of me and proceeded to SA's office. So, yea, fail on chivalry. he comes into the office, i step out so they can have a moment to greet one another/small talk. shortly after i return to the office, SAH makes a point to say (i think more for me than for her), "hun, b/c you have to be back by 6am, i need you to be done, ready to go, by 9."

OF COURSE the kid peeped this something strong. ok. imma let that pass. my brain interpreted this comment 2 ways simultaneously: 1. he is concerned for her well-being and wants her to get a good night's rest and have some balance between work and personal life. 2. he is controlling and concerned about getting home and watching the T.O. show.

so SA and I are grinding it out. as time wears on, i watch him monitor the time and give "gentle" reminders. as 9 swiftly approaches, he begins to huff and puff, tap his foot and make far less "gentle" reminders such as, "babe, you know i love you, but you've got to make some decisions." Now again ya'll know me, so you can only imagine what I am thinking. Okay, in case you're wondering, it went a little something like this, "she has decided to get this work done so we don't loose our damn jobs."

9:02 p.m., SAH: "babe, i really love you and you know this, but you need to decide what makes a happy home." Ok. So at this point, i'm like, "this is real not cute for ANY of us." combined with, "oh no he didn't." and "oh wait, yes he did and i kinda respect it." and don't forget, "nigga, she is keeping home happy by making this money to support your ass!"

SA promptly turns to me and says, "um, boogie, i can't stay. i really have to get home. i can finish this in the morning when we get back." (note, she doesn't provide one of the more professional responses including, but not limited to: "i can get it to you later tonight", or "by 11 and i will email it" OR "oh, hun, i need to stay 20 minutes and finish a critical piece to ensure completion by 8 am tomorrow"). SA then quickly turns off laptop and packs it up before i can ask where she stands on completing the task.

My response was no where near, "girl, i know, it's late, we need to get out of here. rather, it went a like, "oh, well, where do we stand? in reviewing the pages you just gave me, we have some corrections to make before print tomorrow AM." i proceed to point them out to her, at the same time pointing out she needs to email me her latest draft so that I can continue working...TO GET THE JOB DONE.

now, i MUST acknowledge my single, heterosexual, liberal, feminist, independent,task/goal-oriented nature/persona. however, something about this entire situation rubbed me the WRONG FUCKING WAY! at the same time, i MUST acknowledge my single, never-married, no-children, young, task/goal-oriented status which limits my perspective on "what makes a happy home" between man and woman.

so, i need some feedback on what i witnessed. was this "typical?" (right, whatever THAT is...) did she abandon her job duties? would men expect their woman to leave work behind and come home to "make a happy home?" would women out there leave work (under a partner's command/request) to "make a happy home?" what makes a happy home? clear, shared expectations? demands? semi-reasonable requests on occasion?

again, i understand there are dynamics in play which i may not understand b/c i am have never been and am not currently married.

brothers, speak to me.

i know my ladies are gonna chime in.

Never Having Daughters

This is terrifying (from Curvature):

A brand new study on sex education (or a current lack of it) out of the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reveals an incredibly disturbing but not particularly surprising new number. Almost 10% of young women aged 18 to 24 reported that their first intercourse was involuntary.

This number matters a great deal, for a whole host of reasons. The first, of course, is that the rape of any woman matters, and 10% of any group of women being raped period is much, much too high. But it’s no secret that a rape can have a huge impact on a person’s future view of sexuality, and that view can be particularly affected if the abuse occurs early on. Not to mention that women who have been raped once are significantly more likely to be raped again.

Our Green Doppleganger: Ultraviolet Underground

Those in the blog world may know about this already.

Ultraviolet Underground is a site that...

In an age where the idea of 'selling out' is congratulated, there are still many who remember a time when 'selling out' inspired contempt, not born of envy but of disgust. Art was celebrated for the skill and depth within the wielder. Sell-outs were typically wack cardboard cut outs of the real thing (and in reality still are) who accrued no respect.
At least a decent proportion of the music on the airwaves was acceptable to play in the listening range of children, in the not so distant past, but nearly overnight those values began to change, and those of us refusing to be fooled into dumbing ourselves down sought other alternatives.

...amongst other things. Other things includes a green mentality that puts our halogen bulbs and hybrid car ambitions to shame (check out Purple Mag #7, the official print version of the blog for examples).

I am fan because these guys challenge me to rethink my willingness to go green, my commitment to environmentally friendly alternatives and my appreciation of black underground activity all at once. And they are afrofuturistic.

One article in the latest Purple Mag had an exercise I thought folks in the Common Room might enjoy.

Plant Good Seeds

Uprooting and replacing unwanted thoughtforms/beliefs is a key action in any reprogramming regimen, and
mindgardens everywhere could use a serious overhauling in these days and times. The thoughts we pay
attention to will grow, and knowing this it is crucial we train our minds to stay focused on what should matter,
rather than what we dread.
On a scrap sheet of paper, take a moment to write out a list of the weeds currently in your mindgarden.
Whatever nagging negative thoughts, worries, or recurring situations that must have negative thoughts at
their root. When you've completed your list, take your list of weeds, and in the space below or on a separate
sheet of paper for a more elaborate collage of words and images, write out what you will replace them with.
e.g
Weed list:
'I release the obstacles interrupting my peace and creative flow.

Seed planting list:
'I plant seeds of plentiful hope and abundant resources that are required for my creative/expressive
endeavors.

(p.s. There is no byline to this page and the mag is open source/creative commons registered so I think it is okay to post this here. If not, feel free to correct me and I'll edit this post)

Anyway...

Shall we play? I'm going to try to go with my comment from IC's post:

I release my need to be liked in all situations which is really releasing my own insecurity that I won't be liked.

I plant confidence, a healthy self-image, and a totally zen state of mind. Because I wasn't given life to stress out about it siempre.

Peace yall.

I Got Issues, You Got Issues...

This quote just came up in conversation with kismet and also resonated something I talked to cornflake girl about this weekend.

"All those issues you've had since you were 19, that you're about to carry with you into your 30's? Let those shits go."
~ WU Homie

So what is one issue that you would like to let go of before your 30th birthday?

Here are (some of) mine:
Fear of judgment/rejection/failure.
Men issues (haven't quite figured out exactly what they are but probably linked to the above).

Your turn.

my conundrum...

How do you navigate protecting yourself, when taking care of "You" is hurting someone you love?

I know its not healthy to offer one's self up as an emotional martyr....

I feel guilty for the moments of happiness I feel without him...

I feel conflicted in the moments when I desperately just want a shoulder or another perspective...

I feel stupid for crying in the face of some obvious incompatibility...

I feel weak for indulging my tendency to romanticize and reminisce...

I get nauseous from the self-loathing I feel when I know I've made him cry or messed up his day...

I get nauseous from the self-loathing I feel when I let his words or actions mess up MY day..

I find strength in my ability to call him and be friendly...

I find strength in my ability not to call him at all...

I want him to make this work with the new girl...I couldn't stand by and watch him hurting again

Part of me is terrified of being responsible for another's happiness...not sure i handle it well...

But I want him to make it work with her and not give up on our friendship...or at least the chance of our friendship...

I feel guilty for not being able to cut him off, for both of our sakes...

but is that right? I can only make the decision for me, right? I can't decide whats best for him...can I? That's not my place....

He blames me. I blame him and me... so it two against one right now...

Was I stupid for not just taking the bad with the good. Maybe no one is as happy as I think "happy" should be. Maybe that's as close as I was gonna get... maybe Happy Often was my best option? If it was your best option, its not settling right?

I'm 85% sure i did the right thing, even though it wasn't easy...isn't easy.

Shouldn't the right thing feel better though?

I hope my new healthcare plan covers a shrink...I just wish I knew how to feel better in all of this...

something more

ever get the feeling you need something more?
still figuring what "more" is. hmm...

He's just not that...

ok, so first let me start by saying that i am SHOCKED and appalled i (happily un-coupled) am writing about men. ugh...the thought of it makes my flesh crawl. anywho, on to the post...

so with our beloved other half does it always boil down to interest (as our friend Greg has made millions from telling us)? You know, for a good bit, i prescribed to school of thought. now, i am not so sure. eff with me for a sec while we have a 'rita and smoke a clove...

here are some of my revised feelings on the matter...

1. he's just not that well-versed in "courting." yes, i took it back to the old-school, country lingo. but real talk, how many men have you encountered in the past week, month, year, 5 years who really know how to come to a woman? really? some of us have been in relationships for a long time (when courting wasn't as important to us), some of us are just beginning a relationship and for the rest of us it's been so long...
regardless of how long it's been, did the last guy you were with really give you the treatment during the courting phase you were entitled to? i know most dudes step to us as if we wear collars, communicate through calls of the wild, etc. Men (younger men) don't know how to gain (or keep) a grown woman's attention. i dunno about the rest of ya'll, but i am soo in grown woman territory. you can't come at me like you did when i was living part-time in Gregg Hall. nope. sorry, bruh. (i think b. enchanted posted on this topic a few weeks ago.)

2. he's just got too many options. ok. stop. this is not the same as "just not that interested in you." why not? well, b/c i think we all know men can be interested in multiple women. granted, i am speaking from the perspective of someone not currently looking for a full-time boo. therefore, i am much more open and honest about the fact that men may have multiple options (and pursue them). so a man may not be interested to the point of wanting to have ONE, FULL-TIME boo; but he may still be interested. i'm okay with that. however, what is not okay is to act interested, even mildly, if you know you are not.

so that's all for now. simple, but lends itself to other options outside of interest. however, the argument could still stand that "interest" supersedes all of the above. thoughts?

Happy New Year!

LADIES! Where are you all?

I know everyone is busy working, traveling, spending time with family or moving but I miss you all in the Common Room.

The new year usually brings about various resolutions. I feel I may have already bitten off more than I can chew with the 28 by 28 so I don't have much room for more resolutions. So this year, I've made two very general resolutions:

1. To put more effort into my appearance.
   - Y'all know that I would live in jeans, a hoodie and fresh pair of Pumas or Adidas and for summer time a tank top and flip flops. However, this makes me look 17 and usually results in actual 17 year olds trying to approach me. As some of us have discussed, this is not acceptable.
2. To be more open to (and proactive about) meeting new people.
   - Y'all also know that I can be very closed off (or rude) to folks that I don't know. I'm usually cool with this as I love the few friends that I have. However, I'm finding that a few of them need to be replaced and I won't find fresh faces on my couch or my BFFs.
   

So, I'm wondering...

Have you made any resolutions? If so, what are they? If not, why not?

Let's challenge and push one another and, most importantly, support one another.

Let's make 2009, and every year afterward, The Year of the BadBlackGirls!

Inspiration can come from the oddest places...

Yesterday, after what seemed like the world's longest travel day, I finally got home to the MI.

While getting settled in my room, which by the way my mother has turned into a holding cell for newly laundered clothing/gift center/locale for other random relics from my adolescence, I came across an opened transcript from WashU on my desk. I must have had an extra one still kicking around from my grad school application days.

Looking over my course selections, and the subsequent grades I recieved was like two pages of reliving undergrad. I saw my strong semesters, the semesters I kicked it (yet still got good marks somehow?!), the semesters when I emotionally and mentally struggled, the semesters when I cried more than I laughed, and the semesters when I laughed more than I cried. All of them are there on that wonderfully ugly green watermarked paper.

It was amazing to me to see how much work I did, and to realize that all of that effort and knowledge still resides in my me, and (even though I didn't recognize it as it was happening) has shaped my path and my personality. It's crazy. So often when I think about college, I fondly think of the great times outside of the classroom, and the class time sort of becomes the backdrop. But if I stop for a moment, it all comes back: the professors, the discussions, the inevitable stupid person that keeps talking without ever making a valid point, the papers, the readings, actually going to the library... all of the mental investment...all of the learning!

Maybe you all have already had that experience... and I'm just catching up. But I totally needed a heart to heart with myself. I feel like I've been floundering a bit since I graduated from the second master's program. Like once I started working and attempting to earn money, I started letting other people's mistakes and under estimation of my skills and worth start to define how I felt about me. But looking at the transcript was wildly fulfilling...not because it was perfect (cuz I totally have a big ole' NCR in language acquisition!)...but because it signifies a portion of finished work and my capability to accomplish tasks. And to be honest, I felt like I had lost that part of myself over the past few months.

They say you can't know where your going until you know where you've been... I guess they had a good point! I'd be interested to know if anyone else has had this experience...college transcripts or high school year book...?

There is just something inspirational and quietly triumphant in acknowledging one's personal history--not because we have overcome, but because of our efforts we are continuing a tradition of consistant overcoming. And that feels good.

What I Learned II: The ABD Version

1. Not everyone you came in with is going to make it out of graduate school. And this fact has nothing to do with whether or not you make it out. The graduate degree is fully your responsibility.
   
   
2. Smart people aren't actually smarter than anyone else. They're just more disciplined.
   
   
3. "Habit is persistence in practice." ~Octavia Butler
   
   
4. I need white people to fuel my hybridity. Whodathunk?
   
   
5. You can do many things but you can't do many things well. Be master of a few and that will be enough.
   
   
6. Dance is food for my soul.
   
   
   

That is all for now.

Recent Revelation #4: It's Okay....

...to be alone. That was a big one. Attaching myself to Facebook because I miss my family, Flava, the BBGs, or Mr. is not a healthy way to enter my 27th year.

Growing up. Not an easy thing to do.

Recent Revelation #1, #2, and #3

1. Facebook hiatus has freed up a LOT of my free time. I had no idea. It will henceforth be known as Crack Book. It has also reminded me about my own communication priorities. I have returned to phone calls--as opposed to wall posts--as a way to keep in touch with people. It is doing wonders for my sanity. And takes less time (surprisingly).
   
2. I love sleep. But the grind has become such that any time I spend doing other things--including hanging out in the Common Room--is time that is taken from sleep. This includes eating, working out, talking on the phone, volunteering, work....all of it. Now, some of those things need to be done, like eating and working out. But, come on! I don't need to eat and watch CNN at the same time. I can eat right here at my laptop. Because that is another half hour of sleep I lose. Facebook hiatus helped me realize this so I am recommitting myself--renewing my vows, you might say--to that almighty arbiter of my fair or foul mood. Sleep.
3. Learning multiple languages makes me feel really sexy. It expands my mind. I am successfully tackling an all French language article with savoir-faire for the first time. And I love it.
   

More revelations to come.

Good ole days

Okay so we are not old... but we are grown... which means some things just ain't like they used to be. So in order to celebrate the fantastic era of our youth, I wanted to share this with yal.

Music was so great before that damn autotune.....

Happy Thanksgiving... HATERS....

**I apologize in advance for the pixel-ation in some places.
The FlipCam does not have adjustable focus or contrast settings!