"It's Complicated"

so, i, the long-term happily single one, has decided being "in like" sucks. i mean, think about it, being "in like" complicates everything. well, not everything (oh, stop, you know me, i'm prone to exaggeration), but a lot. for example...

...you spend all of your (previously) free time trying to figure out if s/he likes you, how much s/he likes you, how much longer before you give up the goodies, if you should offer to pay for tonight's date, if you should tell her/him that you really don't care for soy lattes, in fact, you're okay with consuming cow's milk in several varieties (therefore soy dream ice cream is unnecessary), wondering when you'll be introduced to her/his friends, if it's okay to mark your territory at her/his apartment, how to tell the cutie at the gym/grocer/school you're taken (wait, are you?!), trying to decipher what "dating exclusively" and other bullshit terms mean...i digress...

i mean, REALLY?! i'm calling bullshit. it's overrated.

boogie...longing for the simpler life (and taking suggestions on how to get it back)

"I want to fall in love again"

In the fall of 2001, I said to a friend in conversation that I wanted to fall in love again. Neither of us remember the context of that statement but the pure emotion of the statement stuck with her. It was the theme of my Christmas gift that year. It's now approaching nine years since that conversation and I have yet to fall in love again. I don't know quite how I feel about that. I'm not sad nor do I feel like I've missed out on anything in the last nine years but that feeling is definitely with me right now. So as I seek to love again, I'm reflecting on what love was to me.

Love was...

• being listened to.
  
• being loved.
  
• being seen for my best, even in my worst moments.
• problem solving.
  
• encouragement.
• safety and security.
• being a priority.
• feeling beautiful.
• being cared for.
• great kisses.
• hugs that made everything better.
• understanding my struggles.
• wiping away my tears.
• butterflies.
• smiling at the mentioning of a name.
• silly nicknames.
• feeling invincible.
• wanting to share my darkest secret.
• wanting to trust.
  
• hoping for forever.
• the desire to reciprocate.
  

I have to say, at 28, love doesn't look much different than it did at 19. The difference is that I know I can get all of these things (except the great kisses) from my friends and, most importantly, from myself. The last nine years have been full of new beginnings, lessons, and growth. I've been building a foundation that will support me so that the next time I do fall in love, it will feel more like a treat than...

oxygen.

The REAL Crisis in the Black (Female) Community

So.  Me and IC were choppin it up last night and we ended up talking about boys.  To be precise, we ended up talking about women who talk about boys, or partners, or marriage or relationships or all of the above.  And I remarked on how I end up in one of these conversations with every black woman in my life: the Little Sistren (both Little and Littlest), the linesisters and the prophytes, Flava, bad black girls, the academic Fam, random twitterers.  Which can be fun but lately has gotten frustrating.  Aren't we all successful, enterprising, creative and beautiful women who are doing a PLETHORA of other things outside of the (romantic) men in our lives?  Aren't we engaged in politics and art and education?  Hell, aren't some of us readies and foodies and music or entertainment heads?  So why does it seem like we end up in these conversations over and over--or complaining about these conversations (yes, I am a case in point).

Is it the crisis of the Disney Princess Generation entering its 30s?  At which point IC broke it down for me.  To paraphrase:

It is like we feel like something missing or we are unsatisfied or unfulfilled.  And instead of of focusing on correcting that or resolving ourselves, we decide that what is missing is a relationship.  So we fixate on that and decide that is what is missing and that is going to fill what is unfulfilled.

I know we keep saying stuff like this, but it is still true and still a good reminder.  This is probably why Tayari Jones post on "Penvy" resonated so much with me.  Read it but the best line is: 

"When I say get to work, I'm saying get back to you."

I'm not having a 30s crisis yet--I think.  But I am starting to get that antzy feeling--that "get to work" feeling--where I'm ready to get it poppin.  Shake things up.  Start a new project.  Six months ago, I identified that feeling with Mr. but recent events put me in a position to think twice about that.   I don't think it was him.  I think it is this transition into a new phase of life and figuring out what the new adventure is going to be.  Is it back to D.C. to do youth activism and rape crisis work?  Is it to Chicago to education work?  Is it France to work with recent immigrants?  Senegal?  Ghana?  Puerto Rico?  I'm itchy to get to work on the next step.  That is probably not the complete answer to why I don't feel completely fulfilled but at least I know that is part of it and I can start to work on the rest.  

Which is hard enough since the accepted discourse on black women's lives doesn't even give us space to even imagine it that way.  And that is a tragedy.  Imagine how many Alice, Zora, Lorraine, Lucille's we have out there who hit 30 (or more like 20, once upon a time) and convinced themselves that it wasn't a new professional, creative or economic adventure that they needed to embark upon--they just didn't have a man.  But we every update on TheRoot.com, the 5 o'clock news and our Facebook/Twitter feeds telling us what we need is a good husband. 

that is all.

you got kids?

so, new boo potential on the horizon. nothing major...cool dude, tall enough, good job, well-educated, chill. it works for the moment and we have good convo. it's easy so, purpose is being served.

now, during one of our chill conversations, he asked me if i had kids. my first thought was, "hell no." then, i thought, "why the hell would he ask ME that?" then..."duh, genius." it occurred to me tonight in the shower(don't hate on that good thinking time) that the lead question isn't one that even enters my consciousness to ask. i mean, it kinda makes sense, i don't have kids, therefore, why would it occur to me to ask someone else if they do? (okay, i know the answer to that).

however, it reminded me that no matter how many years i can count on this earth, no matter how much i look at friends' pics on FB and drool over their children, no matter how much i will REALLY want kids someday, I am NOT READY.

but, it also made me think about what i want from a potential mate. i think i'm okay with kids. (egh.) i also think i don't want to be bothered. my child walks herself, eats when she wants to, and sleeps 80% of the day...and doggonit, i like it!

age old convo, but one worth having since i say i'm looking for more (with an open heart) in 2010.

wish list for 2010...

yo, my girls had it right in '93. just sayin'...



you're welcome...

;)

Let's Discuss...

A Message to Black Women: Why You Shouldn’t Limit Yourself to Black Men

Fleacé Weaver

I was motivated to create my Free Your Mind seminars, which encourage Black women to date non-Black men, after listening to an impassioned friend—an attractive woman in her late 30s—lament an all too common refrain from Black women as young as 25. With a master's degree, an executive job, a mortgage in her name, and no children, she just couldn't understand why she was alone when she'd done everything "right." She wanted to find a nice Black guy and get married. She complained about being overlooked by Black men who pretended she didn't exist, or worse, the ones who quoted the unfortunate ratio of Black men to Black women with a smile like the cat who had swallowed the canary. By the time she finished explaining, she had tears in her eyes. And I was thinking: life is way too short to be unhappy and way too long if you are alone when you don't want to be.

Real Talk PSA: Don't Front on the Sexy IT Guy

Sure, he may own one too many polo shirts, but ladies please don't hate on the hidden sexy of the quiet unassuming "techie"...you are gonna need someone to defragement you hard drive sooner or later... literally and euphamistically.

These Degrees...

We have all seen those articles about educated black women not being able to find a mate, well a black male mate. We've even debated them in almost every form of communication. However, I still can't get over the reaction of certain men when I tell them that I have (or was pursuing) a master's degree. I've gotten a few interesting reactions but none as startling as this one:

Last month, I was out celebrating a friend's birthday. The last bar closes and we are hanging around outside trying to figure out where we are heading next. People break off into their groups (another post) and I ended up talking to a guy who was waiting on his friend to close up the bar. We make normal small talk and appear to be hitting it off really well. I don't remember what we were talking about but I mention something about teaching. He got super excited about that for some reason. "Oh, you teach?! What do you teach?" I tell him that I used to teach but just recently completed my masters in counseling and was looking for work. He then goes into some crazy mumbling about how a bachelors was enough for him, especially because of the loans, how he can't find work in his field, and how the government is coming after him to pay back his loans and might even garnish his wages. I try offer some friendly suggestions but I'm thinking "For real, dude? TMI." At this point, the birthday girl's phone rings (of which I have possession for the safety of all parties) and allows me to exit this drama stage right.

Ladies and gentleman, what the hell? Does an advanced degree, or not having one, really come with all of that baggage? Does it matter that I must have at least a masters degree to work in my field? Men, is it important for you to have the same or more education than your significant other? Ladies, have you encountered men who are uncomfortable with your education? Has this played a part in your decision to pursue an advanced degree? Would you date a guy with less education than you?

Personally, I would like to think that it wouldn't matter to me what level of education a man had as long as we were able to have intelligent conversation and it wasn't an issue for him. However, all the guys that were not "on my level" education wise have made it an issue. Maybe its something I'm doing wrong but I'm proud of my education. I must admit, though, over the past year I've talked about my education a lot more than usual when first meeting people to explain why I didn't have a "job." I'm used to working, being independent and going to school. So this past year has been really uncomfortable, but my degree, and the pursuit of it, kept me warm.

I hope I didn't/don't sound like this though.

School Spirit Skit 2 - Kanye West

the politics of marriage

So, i was privy to a situation between a husband and wife at the j-o-b today (which admittedly is foreign to me given my "single" status). Don't ask why "single" is in quotations, lol.

background: work is killer right now. my unit has some huge projects under-way. very stressful, but potentially fruitful and definitely exciting projects. we will be working late nights (8-10pm in office) and early mornings (6-7 am start times) for probably the next week or so.

characters: self. you all know me, so i won't get into heavy character descriptions here. young (recent college grad) staff assistant (SA) and her NEW, younger husband (SAH). SA & SAH are african-american, pretty devout Christians and fairly conservative in general. SA is ivy-educated, YES she is attractive (for the male readers) and generally speaking, a well-rounded girl. Within the confines of our office and unit, she rarely has an issue sharing her opinions and makes very good decisions.

setting: office. approaching 8 o'clock hour.

SAH calls (not the first time since i've been over-seeing final pieces of tonight's project). He's downstairs, waiting on wifey to buzz him up. i come down to let him in so SA can keep working. of course, he is disappointed to see not his lovely wife, but my slave-driving ass come down to greet him with a marginally warm "hello." (sorry folks, it's the best i can do on 4 hours sleep, deadlines and with someone else's man). ok, so he's peeved, i would be too.

we make small talk on the ride up to the top floor. (ok, i have to interject some judgmental, albeit descriptive things i noticed.) 1. he didn't wait for me to exit the elevator first, he got off and waited for me to let him past our secure office door. 2. he then walked through the door in front of me and proceeded to SA's office. So, yea, fail on chivalry. he comes into the office, i step out so they can have a moment to greet one another/small talk. shortly after i return to the office, SAH makes a point to say (i think more for me than for her), "hun, b/c you have to be back by 6am, i need you to be done, ready to go, by 9."

OF COURSE the kid peeped this something strong. ok. imma let that pass. my brain interpreted this comment 2 ways simultaneously: 1. he is concerned for her well-being and wants her to get a good night's rest and have some balance between work and personal life. 2. he is controlling and concerned about getting home and watching the T.O. show.

so SA and I are grinding it out. as time wears on, i watch him monitor the time and give "gentle" reminders. as 9 swiftly approaches, he begins to huff and puff, tap his foot and make far less "gentle" reminders such as, "babe, you know i love you, but you've got to make some decisions." Now again ya'll know me, so you can only imagine what I am thinking. Okay, in case you're wondering, it went a little something like this, "she has decided to get this work done so we don't loose our damn jobs."

9:02 p.m., SAH: "babe, i really love you and you know this, but you need to decide what makes a happy home." Ok. So at this point, i'm like, "this is real not cute for ANY of us." combined with, "oh no he didn't." and "oh wait, yes he did and i kinda respect it." and don't forget, "nigga, she is keeping home happy by making this money to support your ass!"

SA promptly turns to me and says, "um, boogie, i can't stay. i really have to get home. i can finish this in the morning when we get back." (note, she doesn't provide one of the more professional responses including, but not limited to: "i can get it to you later tonight", or "by 11 and i will email it" OR "oh, hun, i need to stay 20 minutes and finish a critical piece to ensure completion by 8 am tomorrow"). SA then quickly turns off laptop and packs it up before i can ask where she stands on completing the task.

My response was no where near, "girl, i know, it's late, we need to get out of here. rather, it went a like, "oh, well, where do we stand? in reviewing the pages you just gave me, we have some corrections to make before print tomorrow AM." i proceed to point them out to her, at the same time pointing out she needs to email me her latest draft so that I can continue working...TO GET THE JOB DONE.

now, i MUST acknowledge my single, heterosexual, liberal, feminist, independent,task/goal-oriented nature/persona. however, something about this entire situation rubbed me the WRONG FUCKING WAY! at the same time, i MUST acknowledge my single, never-married, no-children, young, task/goal-oriented status which limits my perspective on "what makes a happy home" between man and woman.

so, i need some feedback on what i witnessed. was this "typical?" (right, whatever THAT is...) did she abandon her job duties? would men expect their woman to leave work behind and come home to "make a happy home?" would women out there leave work (under a partner's command/request) to "make a happy home?" what makes a happy home? clear, shared expectations? demands? semi-reasonable requests on occasion?

again, i understand there are dynamics in play which i may not understand b/c i am have never been and am not currently married.

brothers, speak to me.

i know my ladies are gonna chime in.

The Good Ol' Days: Life before FB

Lately, the subject of facebook* and relationships has been popping up a lot - "'such and such deleted me as a friend', 'Dang, they deleted me too'" "I'm talking to this new guy/girl. Should I add him/her as a friend on facebook?" and "whatchamajig changes her relationship status every other day." With all this drama going on, I can't help but reminisce on days when friendships and relationships were not dependent on a facebook status. It makes me sad that my little cousins might find out that their boyfriends have broken with them in a facebook update or feel that a relationship isn't real unless it's on facebook or something like this happens to them -

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years proposed to me. I wasn't expecting anything too romantic, but I would have liked something more than an email from facebook requesting my confirmation that we were engaged. FML

or something like this might happen to one of us-

Today, I checked my facebook, and my wife of 5 years was listed as single. I then write on her wall that it is ok to announce to be married. She writes back saying that we have to talk and to come to the kitchen. My wife divorced me over facebook. FML

Now there are some pros to having a public source of information about someone you're dating and don't know very well, initially. However, when you're basing your feelings off (or expressing your deepest feelings via) status updates and newsfeeds, it can become problematic. Then, if things don't work out as planned, you're left with the drama of reading about their new life everyday (or several times a day) or you avoid facebook altoghether for fear you'll come across their page. OR you are faced with the dreaded deletion and all of it's connotations and drama.

So, what are your thoughts? Do you facebook all your new boos, beaus, and friends of friends? Or has facebook become the new build-a-bear**?

*I say facebook because that's the only one I use but this could apply to myspace, tagged, twitter, blackplanet, ning, flickr, or any other site where people put too much of their business out into the world.

**Remember freshman year, "build-a-bear, destroy-a-relationship"?

Facebook fooliness.. (a story in screen captures)

So yesterday a single friend of mine posted an article about marriage on her facebook page. The article itself was cool, but as can be expected, the comments quickly deteriorated into the typical "Good Black men are hard to find" and "Y'all Black women are too picky," Below is the screen grab of the convo. I have blotted out the names to protect the ignorant. Notice the post before mine...

So pretty much, my intention was to a) "give a brotha a chance and b) maybe get some free dinner! (can't blame me for trying) Next thing I know I get this message in my personal inbox from the guy who posted before me... we'll call him E.



WTF!!!!! I think to myself...well you fit neither of my criteria... then there's not reason for me to call you...so i go on to bed and living my life...until i get this message tonight...read on...

i
So now I'm a little offended... okay... more than that, I'm starting to get pissy...so this is my reply...

"Hate to answer a question with a question... and i will try not to be combative... but dude... you don't know me and you just stepped to me with some real BS. you told me you were in a relationship, then gave me your number, then sent me an email entitled "offer" when i did not respond. What exactly were you offering me, E--? a chance to be your jump off? a chance to get you out of a complicated situation? a chance to get myself caught up in all of the unnecessary drama that black men and women embattle each other in? a chance to be "that girl" that brings hurt into another woman's life? it clearly wasn't an offer just to trade ideas...we could have done that on the wall post without needing a private message or things being complicated, or you passing a "litmus" test.

I'm grateful you were honest and up front, many people aren't even that up front. but dang really? And what makes it even more hurtful is that i asked my girl what your deal was and she told me exactly how successful and intelligent you are. I would have been just as happy talking to you as an interesting, non-romantic interest. But you took it to this other level where you frankly had no reason or business taking it.

Why did i have to establish the boundary? why didn't you? Because you have a Y chromosome? THAT is what frustrates me. So i will let our interaction be the response to your inquiry. Yes, it is difficult..because for some reason even seemingly intelligent men make the assumption that i just MIGHT be willing to pass on my standards and convictions for a compliment, or a hug, or a dinner or a good lay... and when they find out that i am a woman of substance (education and looks notwithstanding) they move on to something a little less challenging...often lesser quality, but something that makes it easy to dabble and let go when they are done. because they were never really interested in the substance that i had to offer.

do me a favor though, don't move on to the next thing until you properly finish with what you have on your plate now. And you should look at what you have now...it very well may be worth being actually COMMITTED to.

no animosity intended, i just wish brothers (of all race) didn't approach situations this way, and i wish even more that sistahs (of all races) wouldn't fall prey to the fear of loneliness to let them get away with it."

After sending this message of course, he's all upset and is like..."Oh it wasn't even like that, you jumped to a conclusion, I gave you my number so we could have a non-romantic discussion about the topic that was posted. Plus, as an intelligent woman you should know that I could just be meeting people people to help some of the single guys that I know find good women out there!" blah blah blah....

I just wanted to check with yal... do i look that stupid? Or could someone really be out of touch of how this whole thing could appear of base? ::sigh:: N**** aint ish, man....

i don't want to be pursued.

so, i had this epiphany the other night after a date with a really nice guy. (so, so sad, i know). the feeling started after i met two (seemingly nice) men (at a club, dammit) last friday evening. BOTH of them called the next afternoon to request my presence for that or the following evening. my FIRST reaction? not excitement or anticipation over the possibilities or nervousness about a date. rather, i was bothered. before you ask/wonder, both were pleasant, easy to talk to and acted in a gentlemanly manner on the phone. the reality is...

...i simply don't like being pursued. i haven't completely figured out why. i think it's because it can be with clouded or false intentions, b/c most guys suck at it and also b/c i am not trying to be nobody's full-time boo. however, i don't think any of these is enough to fully explain the level of agitation i feel when pursued by men. and it's not just these to two men; in reflection, i would say i am generally uncomfortable with being pursued.

i dunno, it is just weird for a guy to be "pressed" about getting to know you. if you JUST met me why are you trying to occupy so much of my time between dates, calls, texts and THEN you ask me for my email? DUUUUDE, back off. i need you NOT to have all my contact info. so, so sorry i let you pick me up for the first date. now you know where i live! ugh... i'd much rather the relationship develop organically and we see what happens. coming at me with the seeming intention of 1)laying my ass 2)booing me up in the somewhat immediate future is uncomfortable.

so those of you who don't know me are probably, at this point, asking yourselves, daaaammnnn...what happened to this chic as a child?! nothing, lol. but i would like some analysis, feedback and outside perspective.


oh, and PLEASE know, this shit right here don't help!

"F&ck what ya' heard!"

so yea, it's '09 and i'm about to dispel/bring you up to date on a couple of items...

1. niggas ain't shit! (well, we have known this since we were, what? 8, 9, 12 yrs old?) well, females ain't either. which leads me into #2...

2. honesty is overrated...that shit don't get you NO MOTHERFUCKING WHERE! "Lie to me dammit, lie to me!" (Chris Rock, anyone?) he hit the nail on the head; people WANT to be lied to. (except me, lol). :)seriously, i don't, which leads me to...

3. Acting Accordingly in '09. Okay, so for those of you who don't know, acting accordingly is my mantra for the year (or indefinitely...as long as it takes me to get it right) which equates to acting your damn age. this might include but in NO WAY is limited to: getting your funds right, being honest, getting a new (or first) job, going to (or back to) school, or not fucking every tom, dick and harry (or sally). i have a couple of these on my list...for me, being honest (not mean) with primarily myself and others is part of acting accordingly. however, in spite of recent shenanigans, i am seriously thinking of going back to circa '07/early '08 and just doing whatever makes me feel good. hell, in a lot of ways, life is MUCH easier when you act now and beg for forgiveness later. hmm...i'll keep you posted on this one...

anyways, just needed to vent.

damn, it's hard out here for a bad, black girl.

my conundrum...

How do you navigate protecting yourself, when taking care of "You" is hurting someone you love?

I know its not healthy to offer one's self up as an emotional martyr....

I feel guilty for the moments of happiness I feel without him...

I feel conflicted in the moments when I desperately just want a shoulder or another perspective...

I feel stupid for crying in the face of some obvious incompatibility...

I feel weak for indulging my tendency to romanticize and reminisce...

I get nauseous from the self-loathing I feel when I know I've made him cry or messed up his day...

I get nauseous from the self-loathing I feel when I let his words or actions mess up MY day..

I find strength in my ability to call him and be friendly...

I find strength in my ability not to call him at all...

I want him to make this work with the new girl...I couldn't stand by and watch him hurting again

Part of me is terrified of being responsible for another's happiness...not sure i handle it well...

But I want him to make it work with her and not give up on our friendship...or at least the chance of our friendship...

I feel guilty for not being able to cut him off, for both of our sakes...

but is that right? I can only make the decision for me, right? I can't decide whats best for him...can I? That's not my place....

He blames me. I blame him and me... so it two against one right now...

Was I stupid for not just taking the bad with the good. Maybe no one is as happy as I think "happy" should be. Maybe that's as close as I was gonna get... maybe Happy Often was my best option? If it was your best option, its not settling right?

I'm 85% sure i did the right thing, even though it wasn't easy...isn't easy.

Shouldn't the right thing feel better though?

I hope my new healthcare plan covers a shrink...I just wish I knew how to feel better in all of this...

He's just not that...

ok, so first let me start by saying that i am SHOCKED and appalled i (happily un-coupled) am writing about men. ugh...the thought of it makes my flesh crawl. anywho, on to the post...

so with our beloved other half does it always boil down to interest (as our friend Greg has made millions from telling us)? You know, for a good bit, i prescribed to school of thought. now, i am not so sure. eff with me for a sec while we have a 'rita and smoke a clove...

here are some of my revised feelings on the matter...

1. he's just not that well-versed in "courting." yes, i took it back to the old-school, country lingo. but real talk, how many men have you encountered in the past week, month, year, 5 years who really know how to come to a woman? really? some of us have been in relationships for a long time (when courting wasn't as important to us), some of us are just beginning a relationship and for the rest of us it's been so long...
regardless of how long it's been, did the last guy you were with really give you the treatment during the courting phase you were entitled to? i know most dudes step to us as if we wear collars, communicate through calls of the wild, etc. Men (younger men) don't know how to gain (or keep) a grown woman's attention. i dunno about the rest of ya'll, but i am soo in grown woman territory. you can't come at me like you did when i was living part-time in Gregg Hall. nope. sorry, bruh. (i think b. enchanted posted on this topic a few weeks ago.)

2. he's just got too many options. ok. stop. this is not the same as "just not that interested in you." why not? well, b/c i think we all know men can be interested in multiple women. granted, i am speaking from the perspective of someone not currently looking for a full-time boo. therefore, i am much more open and honest about the fact that men may have multiple options (and pursue them). so a man may not be interested to the point of wanting to have ONE, FULL-TIME boo; but he may still be interested. i'm okay with that. however, what is not okay is to act interested, even mildly, if you know you are not.

so that's all for now. simple, but lends itself to other options outside of interest. however, the argument could still stand that "interest" supersedes all of the above. thoughts?

Staying in Your Lane: Other People's Relationships

So b. and I were hanging out last week and the question came up, "what would you do if you knew your friend's partner was cheating on them?" We both said that it would depend because some women would either not believe you or choose to stay with their partner anyway, ruining the friendship. Sound familiar? This brought up a few questions that I have for you ladies:

• Do you listen to your friends' relationship advice?
• Does your friend's relationship status (single and bitter, happily single, happily coupled or miserably couple) change how you view their advice?
• If your friend repeatedly told you that she didn't like things about your relationship (based on things that you're telling her), would that change your friendship or your relationship?
• What types of things would you tell a friend and what would you want your friend to tell you? (i.e. cheating, abusive patterns, random questions they have about relationship roles, etc.)
• Has being a "good friend" ever backfired on you? What was the situation?

i loves me some mr. & mrs. o

so in honor of good, old fashioned black love...




...and the song is just that good ish!

Recent Revelation #4: It's Okay....

...to be alone. That was a big one. Attaching myself to Facebook because I miss my family, Flava, the BBGs, or Mr. is not a healthy way to enter my 27th year.

Growing up. Not an easy thing to do.

Second Thoughts on Singledom?

Yesterday, I went to lunch with some girls that I went to high school with. Two of them recently got engaged. We discussed the engagement stories, wedding plans, the costs, insuring rings and any number of things relationship/engagement/wedding related. I was excited for them and also just a little curious about everything that goes into this special day. For a moment, I also started to have second thoughts about my contentment with singledom and wonder what my wedding day would be like.

Also, on the way to the restaurant my friend told me about her mother's reaction to a major decision she made about her relationship. She then asked if my mom would react the same way. Initially, I said "no she wouldn't" but after a couple of seconds I realized I had no idea how she would react. I haven't been in a relationship since spring 2001 and however I thought my mom would react at that time is probably completely different because my life circumstances are completely different. For a second, I wanted to know what it would be like to have to make a major relationship decision, how I'd tell the fam and friends, and how they would react.

Last night, walking to the car from the club in the hottest pair of boots I've ever owned, (When I showed my girls the boots, the reaction was "you could have sex in those" " I saw the perfect lingerie to match those boots." My reaction was "have sex with who?" Yet, another one of those moments...) all I really wanted was a nice foot massage. For as long as it took me to get to my car, I wanted someone at home waiting for me to rub my feet and cuddle with me.

So to all those partner-free* ladies, when do you wish, if only for a second, that you had a significant other in your life? For those of you who are in relationships, when do you wish you were partner-free?

*single