so, i had this epiphany the other night after a date with a really nice guy. (so, so sad, i know). the feeling started after i met two (seemingly nice) men (at a club, dammit) last friday evening. BOTH of them called the next afternoon to request my presence for that or the following evening. my FIRST reaction? not excitement or anticipation over the possibilities or nervousness about a date. rather, i was bothered. before you ask/wonder, both were pleasant, easy to talk to and acted in a gentlemanly manner on the phone. the reality is...
...i simply don't like being pursued. i haven't completely figured out why. i think it's because it can be with clouded or false intentions, b/c most guys suck at it and also b/c i am not trying to be nobody's full-time boo. however, i don't think any of these is enough to fully explain the level of agitation i feel when pursued by men. and it's not just these to two men; in reflection, i would say i am generally uncomfortable with being pursued.
i dunno, it is just weird for a guy to be "pressed" about getting to know you. if you JUST met me why are you trying to occupy so much of my time between dates, calls, texts and THEN you ask me for my email? DUUUUDE, back off. i need you NOT to have all my contact info. so, so sorry i let you pick me up for the first date. now you know where i live! ugh... i'd much rather the relationship develop organically and we see what happens. coming at me with the seeming intention of 1)laying my ass 2)booing me up in the somewhat immediate future is uncomfortable.
so those of you who don't know me are probably, at this point, asking yourselves, daaaammnnn...what happened to this chic as a child?! nothing, lol. but i would like some analysis, feedback and outside perspective.
oh, and PLEASE know, this shit right here don't help!
The Closet House
4 years ago
8 comments:
Oooh, I was just thinking about this. Might have to post on it. The older I become the less I enjoy it too fast too soon. Young girls like that falling in love after 3 days ish. I feel you. It's too much! I don't know you. It's actually a turn off.
SUCH a turn-off, whoa!
I feel like I'm finally ready to start dating but I think I would be just as uncomfortable with the pursuit part of it.
Girl, that article and all of the stats I've heard are giving me second thoughts about moving to D.C. especially on the dating front. I think I like the fact that (hopefully) every guy I meet won't know everyone that I know but then again...
I am a single black woman as well and I don’t like being pursued either. It just makes me feel uncomfortable. I feel this way because I haven’t met a guy that really interests me. I rather be alone then to waste my time just being with anybody. I think when the right guy comes along you will know. I don’t waste my time talking to guys at the club. I don’t give them my number. I just tell them that I already have a boyfriend. It just my opinion that guys at the club are just looking for one thing. I am not saying if you meet a guy at the library that he may have pure intentions, but I just don’t feel right talking to a guy that I meet at a club. I am just very careful.
Wow, this is so different from how I am. I have no problem with the pursuit AT ALL. I have a problem with folks who are trying to be on my schedule with no pursuit at all and folks who can't keep an appointment... maybe more on that coming up.
Do you prefer to pursue men or are you just saying it's too much too soon.
I figure if a dude called me too long after he got my number, he's really not interested and/or everyone he called first is busy/uninterested. I must say, appreciate a thorough follow-up.
you know im not sure if its the issue of being pursued... or just getting older...
Part of me wants to argue that as we continue to get older the spaces where we feel comfortable being approached continue to change.
Per example... in our teens... a guy trys to holla at the mall... to be expected.... in early 20s... you meet someone at the club... to be expected... then you get to your late 20s... and the mall and the club dont really do it for ya.... and the acceptable places become networking events, class, or conferences possibly... i dont know...
i just know that setting says a lot...
In the corporate realm.. I cant stand the card exchange... "can I have your card?" NO YOU CANT! I dont want you to contact me at work. WHY??? because I try to work at work... not plan my social life... well... at least sometimes... In the end I would rather you not have my card... thanks...
yeah, man this one is a toughy...
Lily I don't mind the card exchange as much because then its more of an email thing... which i am comfortable with...
but If you meet someone who is interesting, and you want to get to know them... not even in the "there could be something romantic there" sense...how does that getting to know you occur...?
example: met this guy at a restaurant near my house friday. we were both eating at the bar and we start talking.... 3 hours later its closing time. The guy is attractive, nice, good conversation, professional, etc (I was my usual charming self) but at the end of the night we both go our separate ways with no contact exchange.
so while i am not trying to get this guy on lock, i enjoyed talking to him and would like to get to know him better...like he legit seemed cool. But he didn't ask for my info...could have been for a myriad of reasons...him NOT asking was nice in that i did not have to battle within myself about whether it was a wise move to give it, but it also made me feel a little weird and left me thinking... "Okay but then how will i get to talk with you again...?" At this juncture its serendipity. (or the bartender texting me the next time he's in! lol)
i don't like being pursued or pursuing, but Ladies we DO have to find a balance of comfort somehow or all these AMAZING genes could go to waste for those of us who'd like to use our eggs...unless we use alternate means.
Personally, i have a list of about 10 places where i don't like meeting/being approached but there are probably like 2 or 3 where I'd be less bothered if some one stepped up...
all that to say, we all would likely prefer for our relationships...as with our veggies...to grow somewhat organically: but, even the veggies aren't left to grow of their own devices...it just a different kind of shit they use to fertilize them...
it's just a different kind of shit.
couldn't have said it better if i tried.
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