Without giving too much detail, I've recently stopped talking to friend because I was unhappy with the imbalance that I saw in the relationship. I haven't had the conversation with them because I am still trying to put to words what I feel is going on (basically that the friendship revolves around her and her needs and when I need something it is not reciprocated) and what my role is in it. In addition, I've had some family things going that have taken priority over my plans to communicate with her. In meantime, she has contacted me telling me to call her back, asking if we can friends, telling me her travel schedule because she wants to see me, etc. I have not responded to any of these attempts at contact. Why? Something about the IMs, text messages, voicemails etc. seems to be all about her. There appears to be little concern about what is going on for me and why I possibly could have retreated from our friendship. I also feel like I now have to defend my actions and feelings. One of you ladies noted that I can be passive-aggressive and I agree. Maybe that's what's going on here but maybe I also need time and space. Is that too much ask? Can I have time to sort things out and address them in my own time? Can it not be about you but about me figuring out what it is that I need to do? Can I have time to figure out how to address this and how not to let the pattern continue? Can I not have contact with you if I so choose? Can this not be about you for once?
Am I being passive? Possibly, but the continued questioning is making me defensive and aggressive. My roommates can tell you that when I'm not doing well, I retreat into my own space, trying not to impose upon anyone. Trying to figure out what's wrong with me or talking about what you think is the problem is futile and often counterproductive. Can I do this my own way and in my own time? Or should I rush to your side to calm your fears in my time of confusion and discontent?
4 comments:
Wow. You've got yourself quite down pat. Passive-aggressive, retreat, giving space, etc. You're right. And that isn't a knock. Not everyone understands themselves well enough to know what they need when they are in distress. I am still figuring that out myself. I am really impressed by that and, of course, I respect it.
Maybe you are dealing with someone who works with distress differently. Well, that is obvious. But if it is someone who is honest that they need you and want your friendship to be better, they will give you space. Maybe the balance is shifting and she is freaking out (been there, done that).
Either way, you deserve to have your own space. And to think things through on your own. I dunno...I mean, it can't be better for you to talk to her before you're ready, no?
Celi, I feel you on this one... TOTALLY.
Friendships, like any other relationships are two way streets and are there for the mutual benefit of both parties.
So if you want her as a friend, and not as a charity-case/ community service project, then you have the right to step away if the current state of affairs is not working for you.
Now, as for the being passive part, that could go either way. I do know that if you actually desire to salvage this friendship, at some point you are just going to have to say...."look, the reason I have taken a step back is because this has gotten one sided, and I don't trust you with what happening in my life because recently its been all about you."
That conversation can be hard to have because, whenever I've had to have it, I always feel like I'm six and throwing a tantrum. Sometimes its hard to say "I need you to pay attention to me too!!!"
which can seem alot like doing the exact thing you are accusing the other person of! argh...
I would say though, at some point she is going to ask you "whats up/are you mad at me?" and then you have to make the decision whether or not this is a friendship you feel like working on or not... cuz if you say "nothing" and then continue to ignore her, then she is going to attribute your actions to YOU and not her own past behavior.
And as silly as it may seem, she may not even know that she is making you feel this way. Do you remember freshman year when I brought cookies back and made the "I don't bake like Celishia" comment and you got pissed at me!? I thought I had given you a compliment, but i guess from the way i said it and how you heard it, you took it as a slight. I had no idea why you suddenly were so "whateva" towards me... until I asked. and when you told me, it allowed me the opportunity to apologize (because i NEVER meant to hurt you with that comment) AND it taught me a great lesson about being more careful with my words, because what I thought was funny, hurt someone I cared about.
I haven't forgotten that lesson, and it has likely made me a better person, and saved me future pain and embarrassment. All because you pointed out a shortcoming I was blind to!
so yeah you have some choices to make, but i am sure you'll choose what is most healthy for you in the long run!
Austyn has a ridiculous memory. God. I'd forgotten that.
Girl, that is the longest comment ever. You could have started a new post with that one. Yeah, you do have a great memory or it made a big impact on you. I vaguely remember that.
I'm taking everyone's words to heart and I'll keep y'all posted.
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