ok, so first let me start by saying that i am SHOCKED and appalled i (happily un-coupled) am writing about men. ugh...the thought of it makes my flesh crawl. anywho, on to the post...
so with our beloved other half does it always boil down to interest (as our friend Greg has made millions from telling us)? You know, for a good bit, i prescribed to school of thought. now, i am not so sure. eff with me for a sec while we have a 'rita and smoke a clove...
here are some of my revised feelings on the matter...
1. he's just not that well-versed in "courting." yes, i took it back to the old-school, country lingo. but real talk, how many men have you encountered in the past week, month, year, 5 years who really know how to come to a woman? really? some of us have been in relationships for a long time (when courting wasn't as important to us), some of us are just beginning a relationship and for the rest of us it's been so long...
regardless of how long it's been, did the last guy you were with really give you the treatment during the courting phase you were entitled to? i know most dudes step to us as if we wear collars, communicate through calls of the wild, etc. Men (younger men) don't know how to gain (or keep) a grown woman's attention. i dunno about the rest of ya'll, but i am soo in grown woman territory. you can't come at me like you did when i was living part-time in Gregg Hall. nope. sorry, bruh. (i think b. enchanted posted on this topic a few weeks ago.)
2. he's just got too many options. ok. stop. this is not the same as "just not that interested in you." why not? well, b/c i think we all know men can be interested in multiple women. granted, i am speaking from the perspective of someone not currently looking for a full-time boo. therefore, i am much more open and honest about the fact that men may have multiple options (and pursue them). so a man may not be interested to the point of wanting to have ONE, FULL-TIME boo; but he may still be interested. i'm okay with that. however, what is not okay is to act interested, even mildly, if you know you are not.
so that's all for now. simple, but lends itself to other options outside of interest. however, the argument could still stand that "interest" supersedes all of the above. thoughts?
The Closet House
3 years ago
11 comments:
I think interest has much less to do with the equation than does circumstance.
A brother could be interested in Beyonce, but circumstances are such that he'll never get to her.
A brother could be not so interested in me, but circumstances are such that we're here and we're both attractive... oh look a "like" situation is now forming.
Options are a problem for the brothers and the women. I know we've discussed there not statistically being enough brothers, and we've also discussed not looking only at the brothers, but I find my head spinning when the options are too many.
With one boo, you can just work through your problems, decide to stay together or not and keep the party going. With several boos, you spend hour after hour weighing the pros and cons of each boo, the mix of boos, the benefits and consequences of dropping a boo...
It's tiring (and quite fun) actually.
My procrastination hour is over... back to the grind.
On courting: You must have run into that wack DC game. My condolences. To answer your question, Mr.'s game was fresh, new and delicious. I was also 20 (19?) years old when he first spit. Anything past high school game would have been fresh, new and delicious to me. I will say men who have otherwise attracted me (as in, "damn if I wasn't attached") have all come with the intelligent but not stuffy, cocky but not arrogant, laidback swexy that you only see once in a million. Or in New York.
Another note on DC: Men there love to believe they are the smartest, most accomplished, most upwardly mobile, Barack Obama-God's gift-to women. *sigh. Hazards of the territory.
On interest: I guess isn't it always about some kind of interest? I mean interest in dating, interest in hanging out, interest in my conversation, interest in YOUR conversation, interest in some tickle and nibble later on...I mean, I dunno. I guess for me I need that initial ZING. Otherwise, you aren't going to hold my attention. And I would assume I won't hold yours.
Hmm, maybe I'm not the write one to comment on this post. Cause, I mean, if you don't call, and you don't wanna talk, and you don't want to tickle and nibble, why the f*k am I gonna talk to you for more than that night anyway? Waste of my damn time.
pause.
How come no one ever wrote the book, "SHE'S just not that into you?" We should do that. Pass it on the corner of 14th and U to all the big head wanna bes....
kis, you're right...it is all a matter of interest. (not the tickle and nibble..here, here!)
Mr came like that?! get it, boo! i ain't mad at ya!
we should totally write that book. when you make your way back we can get started.
T, i get the circumstance argument. however, don't you feel like if you really want something, you make it happen? but then i guess that goes back to interest. hmm...
Please note the part where I was young, foolish and 19/20 years old. Anything that wasn't, "oooh your lip gloss is poppin" would have been hot to me.
Now he did shake my hand when he first met me. How many 18 year olds do you know shake hands with girls their age who they first meet randomly? :)
"T, i get the circumstance argument. however, don't you feel like if you really want something, you make it happen?"
First, IC, where are you? I'd love to hear your insight on this topic.
Boogie, I guess it then comes down to what men "really want." We all know they want the goodies, but how willing or interested are they in waiting for the goodies or pursuing one set of goodies when another are readily available.
Their circumstance in life will makes them decide when they want more than goodies or less than goodies?
I think interest and circumstance work hand in hand.
I have so many examples, but so hate to have my business on the internet...
Yeah, this will have to be a roundtable discussion soon enough.
On courting:
I once had a guy tell me that he didn't court women because he thought it was too hard. But maybe I can court him to show him the ropes.
Ugh. Guys can be so ridiculous.
@ kis...not the handshake! *dead*
and that, is the rest of the story.
Dang T. Thanks for calling me out. IC was all ready to comment this morning but after working all day and hitting the gym, she was about to close the macbook for the night and finish watching 24. That is until she heard the ding of a new email. So IC speaks...
1. this sounds like some of those women in the book who make excuses for the dudes. i'm sure there are some men out there who don't know how to court but its not that hard to learn. If you call for the first time and ask if you can come over and I say no but we can go out. Then I have shown you how I want to be treated. If you act accordingly, that shows interest. If not then, he wasn't that into me, he was into whatever he thought he could get for the free and easy. Other men who really want you but don't think they are on your level will bide their time, if it's available, until they find an acceptable way to approach you. It won't be "ay shortay," even if that's how they approach every other girl. those who do that anyway aren't really interested in you, they're just playing the odds - like "if i holla at 25 girls a day, 1 has to have low enough self-esteem to respond to 'ay bay bay' and give me her number. so by the end of the month there will be at least one desperate enough to sleep with me if i bring over some leftover kfc from the job."
2. as tomorrow's post on sis states, i don't know a damn thing about dating so i can't even imagine juggling a few. i'm with T. it sounds extra confusing and crazy but could be fun when everything is running smoothly. i think moving from multiple boos is a matter of interest AND requirements. a dude can be really interested in you but if you don't require him to make you number 1 there is no incentive to do so. i guess the same goes for courting as well. they will do what they can get away with. if they are really interested they will step up their game, if not they'll move on cause the next chick doesn't have those same requirements.
kismet - not the tickle and nibble. you are a fool for that. but I'm not mad. *in my best mama voice* from small group housing to the common room of gregg hall... and they still together.
I'm so with y'all on writing that book. my book club is reading the book this month. so i might post some random stuff from it. also most folks read it in a day. so does anyone wanna read it and compare notes? It could be the first edition of our online book club. j/k
again, i am DEAD. NOT the "leftover kfc from the job" LOVES IT!!
you're right...it's all about interest..i give up.
p.s. you can read the book in 10 minutes. okay, okay maybe 17. but definitely under 20. lol.
that book is the fastest read ever. now if b. would gimme my book back... :-)
I finished it days ago! It's sitting on my table. Come over like always.
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